Our Engagement Story!

As of December 24, 2010, at around 11:50 am, Caleb and I are engaged!
Here's the story:

So, on the 23rd Caleb and I were in town. It was a girls night at his house and I was hanging out with his sister and some friends, and he and I stepped out to grab the food for all the girls. I went with him so we could talk for at least a little bit that night. Well, we were on our way to get pizza and he told me he was going to "kidnap" me the next morning. I thought it was completely adorable and asked what time. He couldn't tell me that, but he did tell me that he had to salt the parking at church at 9ish, so I figured I'd be ready around 10.

The next morning, he called me at 9:58 and told me he would be at my house in ten minutes. He told me to wear my winter boots and warm clothes because we'd be going for a walk. He got there right on time but we couldn't leave right away because we'd be outside in the cold and my hair wasn't dry =] haha.. so, we waited for a little bit at my house. He was getting pretty antsy, and I figured something was up, but I let it go. I figured he just wanted to get to town to do whatever and then back to my parents house because it was Christmas Eve and my brother was coming to visit.

Anyway, we leave, and he starts to drive into town (about a 25 min. drive). He asked me if I had figured out where he was taking me for the walk and I asked if it was the state park. I had guessed right, but thats all he would tell me. Soo we get to the state park and he parked the truck up by the dam and told me we were going for a walk the first place we ever did this March when we first started hanging out. We decided we wouldn't walk for too long, though, because I didn't have very good gloves or a hat. We walked across and down the path until ended, and turned around and came back. Then, we went down as close as you can get to the dam, along the path where lots of people fish, and we stopped to look at some cool ice. Not just ice that had accumulated along the edge, but it was around some sticks towards the middle, and it was just really neat.

By then, I had reallllly figured something was up, because he had been dropping subtle hints the whole time. Well, we were standing there, and I had hooked my arm into his like we normally do when we go for a walk, and he asked me what I was thinking. Its not abnormal for him to do that, but the smile and look on his face told me something was most definitely not normal! So I made up something about how cool the ice was, while in my head I was thinking... "Is he about to...? No, he wouldn't.. But wait... he really might. Is he seriously going to... ?!?!" After I answered him, his smile got bigger and he told me that he couldn't wait any longer to give me my Christmas present. I must have given him a funny look, because his smile got even bigger as he pulled a little black box out of his inside coat pocket and began to open it as he got down on one knee and..... asked me to marry him! In my shock I threw my arms around him and squeezed until I came to realize that he was still down on one knee and I hadn't answered him yet =] .... so I released my "death grip" and answered that I would love to, and he put the ring on my finger. I was still in shock, but he grabbed me in a bear hug and lifted me off the ground in the process! (It was really really cute!) So after that we got back in his truck and..... started making lots and lots of phone calls and visits to peoples' houses!

Thats our story =] We haven't picked a date yet, but are hoping to soon.

Christmas

I want to wish everyone a truly wonderful Christmas, and I pray that you remember the real reason we celebrate. 

In short, here it is: 

Many, many years ago, a young man and woman were to be married, Joseph and Mary. One day, an angel appeared to Mary and told her she had found favor in God's eyes and would give birth to a child, God's son. Joseph wasn't so sure about this in the beginning. Think about it -> your girlfriend told you that an angel appeared to her and told her she was going to have a baby <- What would you think? You'd be unsure, right? Well, Joseph was very unsure, until an angel appeared to him and told him the news too! So, it was settled, Mary was going to have a baby (God's son), and she and Joseph were going to name him Jesus, just like the angel told her to.

Late into Mary's pregnancy, she and Joseph had to travel to the town of Bethlehem to be counted in a census. They arrived late, and couldn't find a place to stay the night. They asked for a room at an inn, where the inn keeper told them the inn was full, but they could sleep with the animals out back. Pause! -> Sleep with the animals out back? Yup, basically a stable. <- What would you think about that, staying the night with smelly animals? And to top it off, being pregnant (or having a pregnant wife-to-be) wouldn't be convenient or comfortable. But, Mary and Joseph were thankful, and decided to stay. It was in that stable that Mary gave birth to God's son, Jesus, wrapped him in rags, and laid him in a manger (otherwise known as a feed trough)  instead of a crib. 

In the meantime, three wise men (aka "three kings of orient") had spotted a very bright star. They knew this star meant the arrival of a king, so they gathered together, bringing gifts, and set out to find the newborn king. After traveling a very great distance, they found Joseph, Mary, and Jesus in Bethlehem. They gave Jesus their gifts and worshiped him. 

So that was it, in a very very short and vague summary. But here's the thing: God had His son born through a young woman, to grow up on earth, and to eventually give His life for our sins. This is why I celebrate Christmas: Jesus Christ was born, He grew up and He led a sinless life yet died for my sins. He died for me on that cross, so that I could have eternal life. How amazing is that? I celebrate His life, because He gave me life through His. And for that, I will be eternally grateful, and always celebrate. Jesus is my gift for Christmas. 

Merry Christmas everyone! 

And remember to celebrate the birth of our Savior, not just the giving of material gifts. 

With love - Shawna

School

So here I sit at Caleb's house waiting. I'm supposed to be doing my paper for sociology but I have no motivation to do so, and I really don't feel like it. Caleb is at church getting all the Christmas decorations out with his uncle, so people can decorate today, and an hour and half ago I was told it would take them less than an hour =) ha.. soo I'm taking that 'hour' and vegging, no big deal.

Procrastinating on my paper got me thinking... what is college really worth, anyway? You hear about all these kids who go away to college and  take out super big loans to get some funny uppety degree, and then when they graduate.. bam! no job... and yet they're in debt up to their eyeballs. I don't get it. But you know what I don't get even more? Why people are pushing me to do the same. I refuse to go to some big expensive university to study for some degree that won't even get me a job, and will leave me thousands and thousands of dollars in debt. It just doesn't make sense to me. Yes, some people get jobs when they graduate, but with the economy the way it is right now, what are the chances... ?

Anymore, I see a few better and more sensible solutions. 1, go to a community college for two year  readiness/associate degree or certificate. 2, go to a community college for an associate degree then transfer to get a bachelors degree. and 3, take advantage of a high school 'vocational' programs. It also bothers me to know that people get looked down on because they went to a community college. The degrees are the same... so why does it matter? The difference: one was approximately twenty thousand dollars cheaper than the other. That seems more sensible to me... but whatever I guess.. some people just like to spend money..?

These are just my thoughts on what I see happening today.. you can or don't have to take them seriously.. just saying.

Something Beautiful

In Your ocean, I'm ankle deep - I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be - But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe - When Your tide washes over me
There's only one way to figure out - Will You let me drown, will You let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire - Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach - Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick - And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside - So I won't leave Your side, no I can't leave Your side

Hey now, this is my desire - Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach - 'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this - I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
But when I wake up, and all I want I have - You know its still all I need - Something beautiful

Hey now, this is my desire - Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach - 'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful


-Needtobreathe

My Desire

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside -You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday - Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside - You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today - Then lay it all down before the king

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside - And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life - It's to do your will - It's to do your will

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

All my life I have seen - Where you've take me - Beyond all I have hoped - And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all you've done - So I give my hands to use

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

(My Desire - Jeremy Camp) 

So, as I'm sitting here in my bed on a lazy Friday, I think about how many times this week I've listened to this song. A couple friends of mine sang it last Sunday at church, and I really wanted to share it in case some of you haven't heard it. It has an amazing message.. one that I wonder if we sometimes forget, one that I wonder if I sometimes forget. 

The first line is about wanting to be real, empty, and without pride. I know we can't be fully without pride, but how would it impact the world around you if you just layed it down? If you emptied yourself and gave all of you to God? And if you were.. well, ..simply real? I have a hard time with all three. Since starting college, I've learned a lot about being real, and I love it. Before it seemed like sometimes I was just a little puppet; doing what I thought other people wanted me to do, because I was so thirsty for their approval. Well, about mid-October of last year, I stopped caring too much about what other wanted me to do. I started to be the individual that God was preparing for something... I fell completely in love with Him. This was a journey of prayer, devotions, churches, friends, decisions, attitudes, hopes and dreams. Being real isn't the easiest thing, thats why we struggle with it. It's so much easier to go along with other people, dress a certain way, or do certain things to fit in or be like other people. But does God call us to do that? No, of course not! He calls us to be HIS! How exciting is that?! =] I learned that we all screw up, we all have flaws, and 'crap happens', but we press on through it instead of acting like it never happened and everything was ok. Because, in fact, everything isn't always ok. 

Another thing I've been learned a lot about is emptying myself so God has all of me. This has been the hardest so far. Its hard to give God every aspect of my life, and for it to be out of my control. FYI, I like to have everything under control sometimes, and it stresses me out when things are just 'up in the air' as to how they happen. But, again, in the last year and a half, I've become much more laid back. I've learned to give God my cares, troubles, past, future, and right now I'm working on the present.. I've realized that 1. He will provide and 2. no matter what other says, it will work out ok, because however things end up God will help me through them. It's been a fascinating journey so far. I can't control my life. Yes, I can control certain things, but not my whole life. Its crazy to think about. In Tenth Avenue North's song 'Let It Go', they talk about God says: let it go, life is waiting for the ones who lose control, and its true. It can be such a burden to carry our whole lives on our shoulders, but when we give it to God, that burden suddenly gets a whole lot lighter.. almost as if its not even there. 

After learning some of these things, and hearing this song, I stand amazed at God. He knows what I want and what I need, and just nudges me ever so gently and calmly along. Learning to be real and empty is tough stuff, but its been so awesome to see God work in my life. So awesome, in fact, that I've come to have the desire to be fully His, and for Him to use me. 

God, This is my desire - This is my return - This is my desire: to be used by You 

"Go Ahead.."

For the last two months I've been working at the Best Western on the water slide. Its fun; usually. The morning shift is five hours long, and  the evening shift is seven. I work mainly mornings, which is better for me because I have the rest of the day to do things (like sit at a coffee shop and write blog entries..). Anyway, I sit on a chair on the platform on top of the slide and tell visitors when they can go down. If there isn't anyone who wants to use the slide, I do other things like laundry, clean windows, and strip sheets off beds for the house keepers. When there are people on the slide, the extent of my verbal communication is generally two words; "go ahead." While I was sitting there this morning, children were playing down in the pool with their dad, so I had a lot of time to think. This is what I thought: in the past eighteen months, how many times has God told me. "go ahead"..? 

1. My move here. He told me it was ok to uproot myself and move to the other side of the state, not knowing more than one person my age. 

2. When I wondered if it was ok to trust a few certain people, some of whom soon become a few of my best friends. 

3. When I asked Him if it was beneficial to go to a church that I liked, that wasn't a Baptist church, and a bit out of my comfort zone.

4. When I joined a new church that wasn't "organized" and met in someones house. (This was one of the best experiences I've had so far, and where I met some people who helped my world start spinning out of my control, and into God's even more)

5. When I decided to check out a Baptist church in town that a guy had told me about. 

6. When I decided I loved that church, and wanted to stay there.

7. When I prayed about a guy who I had suddenly become very close to, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. 

8. When I was asked to be a youth leader, and go on a mission  trip with that church. 

9. When I asked Him if it was a good idea to quite my job for the one at Best Western, and when I asked if it was ok to quit Best Western for a job at the college I attend. 

I'm sure there are more times, those are just the ones I'm going to write. I included God in my life and was blessed soo much. The past eighteen months I've learned to trust Him SO much more, and I completely love it! My world has turned almost a 180, but I'm not complaining, and I wouldn't go back to what it used to be. I've learned so much, and just love to look back and see what He's done! If you're doubting, I'll tell you this.. when you trust, and include God in your life and decisions, you will be blessed.  

When Your Soul Soars

Ever have that feeling inside where it feels like your soul is flying? Like this incredible feeling of freedom that you can't explain to anyone? What makes you feel that way, or do you ever even experience it?

Listening to Mark Schultz this morning, the song Broken And Beautiful seems to be ringing through my soul. I hear the music start playing, and it registers through my whole inner being. As reaches the chambers of my heart that feel, it lets my soul loose to fly, and I feel free. A deep, inner freedom, that no one can explain.

Except, we can explain it. Throughout the whole song, the title Broken And Beautiful serves a purpose. The song explains how to God, it is so beautiful when we come to Him broken. He loves us, and when we give our lives to Him, we have this blessed freedom that only He gives. I love the thought! He can repair shattered lives, broken hearts, hurtful pasts,... everything, and is waiting for us to come to Him broken. He wants to show us His love.. and wants to put us back together again. He wants us to come to Him. I did. I went to Him with a year of my life that had a lot of hurt, regrets, screw ups, and sorrow... and He made it beautiful. I came running to Him, broken, and He repaired me. He would love to do the same for you... if you'll let Him.

Here are the lyrics and the video.
There’s a businessman - There’s a widowed wife - There’s a smiling face with a shattered life - 
There’s a teenage girl with a choice to make - It’s crowded here in church today

And the preacher says as the sermon ends - Please close your eyes and bow your heads - 
Is there anyone in need of prayer - Jesus wants to meet you here - 
‘cause we all fall short - We all have sinned - But when you let - God’s Grace break in…

(Chorus)
It’s beautiful - Beautiful - Come as you are - Surrender your heart - Broken and beautiful - 

Well he’d never been to church before - But he came today as a last resort - 
His world was crashing in - And he was suffocating in his sin - 

But tears ran down - As hope rushed in - He closed his eyes - Raised his hands - 
Worshiping the God who can - Bring him back to life again - 

(Chorus)

Cause there’s nothing more beautiful to God - Than when his sons and daughters come - Broken

Like Abraham

Last year if you would've told me what my life would be like right now, I would have told you that you were crazy. I had plans, but God had other plans, and I can see them unraveling more and more each day, before my very eyes. 


I have realized that life is so full of color, that if we just stop and look, and smell the flowers, life is more beautiful than we could ever imagine. It is more than what we are going through, more than what we can see, more than what we can feel, and more than we ourselves can handle. But thats why we have God, and I am very thankful to have made that realization. 


When I packed up and moved across state last year, I was hoping to find a life of my own. Without realizing it, I was running from a relationship I was still in. Once here, I saw how much I was growing, and I saw the vibrant beautiful me that God created, that I hadn't seen in a long time. I'd look in the mirror and think, "I remember you..", and thats when I made my decision and broke it off. After that I struggled through a time where I felt depressed and just terrible. I was trying so hard to run to God for everything, to let Him be my everything, and even though it was so hard, it was very rewarding. During that time, I grew tremendously and got a lot of things figured out. I found myself, and wasn't surprised to find that I wasn't as far from God as I had once thought... just scared to go back. I had been fearing God the whole time, ..just not acting on that fear as I should have been. I had been finding comfort in things of this world, when I needed to find comfort in my God. So I set out on a new adventure, just me and Jesus. I didn't know what to expect, I just wanted to love Him with everything. I found a new church, new friends, and a new lifestyle. I'm loving it, to tell you the truth. I feel like I'm completely where He wants me. I became a youth leader at this church, and even went on a mission trip in June. It was very powerful. It made me question some things, and I ran to God for answers. Just like He told me He would in the book of Jeremiah, He answered. It was an awesome trip, and I took a lot from it. 


I went into everything I did blindly, because I have no idea where I'm going, just where I've been. I was counting on God for everything. Just like Abraham, everything I did was 'by faith'. So when I started getting close to this guy at the church, it freaked me out. After my previous relationship, I had prayed that the next guy I dated would be the one I marry. I had a conversation with God, and told Him that as bold a statement as it was, I was done messing around, and I didn't have time to be timid. After the last relationship, I had a serious lack of trust for guys. This one seemed different though. He loved God, loved people, and would do anything he could for you. He had a  servant's heart, gentle hands, and a kind smile. He was honest, hard working, and would listen if you needed to talk. He seemed okay to me.. but I just didn't know. I prayed and prayed, a lot. Then he left for Honduras for eight days. I didn't think much of it, because he loves serving, and loves missions trips. But when I missed texting him, seeing him in town/church, and missed talking to him, I figured something was up. So I went to prayin' again, and talking to God, and just trying to figure it out. I came to the conclusion that it was alright, I didn't have much to worry about and all that stuff. When he came back, we ended up dating. It threw me for a loop, but again, I was going by faith. 


Its pretty crazy. Because today, I wouldn't regret a second of it. When we include God in our life, our thoughts, and our actions, they'll never come up void. He can make something beautiful out of the worst. Last year, if you would've told me this is where I'd be today I really wouldn't have believed you. But when God gets ahold of people, anything can and will happen. A 'by faith' journey is not easy. Hebrews 11 tells us that, and Abraham had so much faith. I want to be like Abraham. I want faith to guide EVERYTHING I do. I want to jump when God says 'jump' and I want to go where He sends me, and I want to do what He wants me to. I've learned that even when our plans seem so great, so right, God has other plans... and HIS plan is what will rule over all. No questions. I tried to avoid God for months, and He brought me right back to Him. He has something great planned for me... and I want the faith to trust Him in that. 

Flying

When I was little I always wished I was older. I remember my parents and other relatives telling me not to wish that, because when I was older I was going to wish I was younger. Seems its a never ending cycle of wanting what I don't have. Its crazy though.. because they were right (Mom if you ever read this, I just said you're right..). I was so eager to get older; to be able to drive and go places, to make my own decisions, to get out of town and see more of the world  than Caro. I've achieved all those things.. and what do I want now? For things to be simple like they used to be. Theres a quote saying something of the sort of; "I wish I was little again; a skinned knee is so much less painful than a broken heart". I'm not saying I have a broken heart, but its the concept. Things were simpler, and I really didn't have much to worry about.
Life seems to fly by. I remember all the birthday parties at my grandparents house, the state archery tournaments every summer, going to where I live now as a vacation every summer, my first day of freshman year, graduation, officially moving out, and everything goes so fast!! I remember the day my sister was born. That was over twelve years ago...  and now she seems like shes fifteen. Theres a country song called; "You're Gonna Miss This", and if you haven't heard it I suggest you youtube it. Its a good song... and so very true. I wanted so badly to get out of Caro, and now I find myself missing it frequently. I was talking to my brother who moved out a few years before I did, and he was telling me how he was eager to get out, but now that he's been out a few years, he would give so many things to live there again. Life was simple. There may not have been much to do around town, but you could always find something to do.
Every minute comes and goes, and can either enrich our lives, do nothing for us, or leave us deprived. I leave for Caro in about three days, and a mission trip to South Dakota in twelve. I miss my family and friends and sometimes even the old life I had in Caro; other days, I don't want much to do with it. But I'm always excited to go back and visit. Caro is a home for me... I'll always know people, and always have a connection to so many places there. Where I am now is a home for me also.. I just don't have as deep of a connection with it as I did with Caro. But thats the thing... I won't ever have that, and I'm ok to know that fact. I tried to make the most of my life.. and now I'm trying even harder to do so. Life flies by.. and before I know it, it'll be Sunday afternoon and I'll be leaving Caro to come back here. And then, it'll be next Saturday and I'll be leaving for South Dakota. And then it'll be the Saturday after that and I'll be leaving South Dakota for here... crazy.
Live, laugh, and love is a famous quote. I have to agree with it. Without those three things, life would be dull. As life flies by and we get older every second, I challenge you to make the most of it. What will you remember twelve years from now..? Twenty? .... and how will you live today? As your life flies by make the most of it!

Alright... well I'm sure we can all see that its quite evident: I fail. haha... Almost every day I'm thinking about something and say to myself 'that would be great to write in my blog about!', but, as you can see... that never ends up actually happening =)   I've been really busy this last month and a half. I'll cut the whole 'I've been meaning to write' crap, and get to the point though.

I use a little booklet type thing called 'Our Daily Bread' for my devotions, and this mornings title was "A "Banana Slug" Lesson". It started out about how sports teams got their names and how sports were usually overemphasized. Then this one school sought a different approach in naming their sports team, one to reflect the worth of sports.... they came up with 'Banana Slugs'. How often do we think of things that way?  I mean, if you think about it, in the grand scheme of things sports aren't really all that important for most people, and should they be? If you're a professional player, granted,  they should be important, but they shouldn't be your life (I can say this, because I love sports). This school chose their team name because they recognized this.

The scripture to go along with the writing was Micah 6:1-8. The 'Banana Slugs' had it right.... sports aren't all that important. What is important is in verse 8. God pleads with Israel and says; "He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?" Matthew 22:37-39 tells us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.. this would be included in walking humbly with him. But I want to take a literal look at the words just, mercy, and humble (according to Webster).
JUST: guided by truth, reason, fairness
MERCY: compassion or kindness shown toward an offender, enemy or other in one's power, pity, benevolence
HUMBLE: not proud or arrogant, courteously respectful, having a feeling of insignificance
If God is all these things, and we strive to be like Him, shouldn't we be practicing these same principles in our lives?

Frustration

Work. Summer. Lake Ann. Church. Results. I guess I'll just go down the list... here we go

My life is a long list of frustrations right now.. and I know that everything will work out how its supposed to, but its so hard to just let it be.

First of all, work. My schedule has gotten messed up multiple weeks in a row. Last Monday I was scheduled to work at night, the same time I was scheduled for a class. I freaked out the day before, and ended up getting to work on time to get ready and start my shift. I got there, and was told that my shift was already covered. I ended up withdrawing from the class (not for work related reasons..) and told the manager that I was now available to work Monday nights. So, I get the schedule last Sunday and when am I scheduled to work? Monday afternoon during my classes. Again, my shift got covered. But thats ten hours I had to drop... which would amount to around eighty dollars.
Second, summer. I've been trying to figure out where God wants me this summer.. and I still don't know. I'm leaning towards staying here, but I have no clue. I've applied at other places to work.. so now comes the other process of waiting.. again. oh joy.
Third, Lake Ann. hoooboy is this a big one right now. I applied early, had my interview early, and got my references in early. Or so I thought. I started emailing the camp sometime in January I think. After a few weeks, I got somewhat of an answer. I was told two of my references were missing, and they liked me, but theres probably no room to counsel, ...so what did I think of handicrafts. Its been about a week again, and I haven't gotten an email. Its almost as if the delay of the emails is God telling me that its just not meant for this summer.
Fourth, church. I recently hopped on board at Cornerstone in town, and am a youth leader there. I love the church, love the people, and love the ministry they have there. So far so good, but if I get the job at Lake Ann, I won't be around the youth group this summer, and will miss out on a whole bunch of stuff that I'd like to be there for. Essentially, it would be bittersweet.
Fifth, results. After all my frustration, I took this test today to see what my spiritual gift was. My highest answer was faith. I just stared at it. I usually don't see myself as someone who would fit that.. because I fall time and time again. But this time, it was talking about how you have faith in God, that He is in control of your life, and it really set me back. I took a look at my life and saw how I'd handled things the past eight months.. and wow, I really do have a great amount of faith. That made me smile. My other two highest scores were teaching and mercy. I'm speechless on those, I really am.
So, all these things to say I'm frustrated. I guess I just want to know whats going on. I trust that God has a plan for this summer, and everything I'm going through, but I'm so eager to know whats going on so I can start planning. I like to plan stuff like this.. and I'm getting impatient. I had my heart set on something and then I figured out that maybe I shouldn't.. maybe it wasn't right for me to be there.
Now that I think about it, one thing I've learned since I moved here is that you don't necessarily always follow your heart.. that can be very dangerous. I already went through some stuff with following my heart.. and it didn't end well. This time I'm not following my heart.. I'm following GOD, and God alone... I'm just waiting to see what He has to say.... and its really hard. I just pray He'll give me the perseverance and faith to do wait.

Lighthouses and Life

I was just stopping in to write, because apparently I'm not so great at keeping up on a blog.. probably should've known that already, because I never was able to keep up on a diary/journal either. oh welll.

I was staring at my page, and thinking how different it looked since I changed it from some green thing to one with a lighthouse on it. It reminded me how very much I miss summer. Where I live now, I can go to the beach anytime I want to watch the sunsets, walk the pier to the lighthouse, swim,..or just walk around. Its actually incredibly peaceful. I like going when not many people are out and walking along the pier... but thats just me. As far back as I can remember, I've always had this love for lighthouses. We used to come here for vacation and I'd miss it when we were away, maybe thats why. But as a child, I always had a great feeling when I was able to look up from what I was doing and see a lighthouse at the end of a pier..it made me feel like I was in one of those movies where the kids are growing up this perfect little beach town or whatnot. I know no towns are perfect, but yeah.

Lighthouses are generally used for ships, so they know when they are getting close to shore and can avoid being stranded, right? So, what are our present day lighthouses? Friends, family, God, organizations,..etc. Our lighthouses are things that keep us on track and where we need to be, instead of being shipwrecked or stranded somewhere without any help. We always have people around us who would love to help us.. we just have to look to them purposely sometimes..  sometimes we need to admit we need help, and just as people look for the light on the lighthouse, we have to seek them out to help us. Lighthouses are there to help us. Why not take advantage of our resources? Theres no shame in needing help.. we all need it at times. Think about it.

When All Else Fails

I was just about to go to bed, but I had to write this.. just had to

I was laying in bed getting ready to end my day. I was warm and cozy in my blankets, cat sleeping next to me, and just peachy. I started to pray, and these were the words that came; "Dear God, I know we haven't spoke in a while.." and  I stopped. I then continued the sentence in my own thoughts "...but I keep coming back, because You have been faithful time and time again.." Those two thoughts seem a bit ironic to go together... but the point is; when I'm at a loss, I go to God, because thats the only thing I know for sure I can do. And I also know that He will be faithful. I love being able to know that.. and to have that relationship with the God of the universe. 

On a different note, the part of "..we haven't spoke in a while.." followed by "..You have been faithful.." strikes me as both comforting and not. Its awesome to know God will be faithful, .....even when I'm not, but sad to know that I am sometimes not faithful to Him. Its like the story of the prodigal son; he goes off and does his own thing; lives wildly, wastes his money, gets himself into stuff he shouldn't, but when he comes home, his father is overjoyed. Thats how it is with God and us. We go do our own thing and when all else fails, we turn to God, and He takes us back. As faithfully as anyone ever has. I'm so very thankful for that.. 

Hypocrites: Them? Us? or Both?

I haven't forgotten about writing, I've just been busy and have lacked a topic to write about. I promise =]

It was supposed to be a normal Sunday morning. I was going to get up, get ready, go to Sunday School and then the am service, but what did I do? ...turn my alarm off instead of hitting the snooze button. Brilliant. So I jump out of bed with about ten minutes to get ready and start my day. I made it to church just as they were ending the first song so I took a seat in a pew toward the back instead of sitting up where I normally do. The pastor got to the pulpit and talked for a bit and then the people who lead the worship came back up to lead a few more songs. I knew the ones who were my age and had no clue who the others were. I did especially notice one of them though, and I instantly stopped.

-I'm not judging this person, I'm just writing what I saw. I need to make some sense of this-

I had seen this person around and even talked to them, and wouldn't have guessed them to be up on stage helping to lead worship. They are really nice to just sit and  talk to, but I was dumbfounded. In conversing with people around our age I had heard this person use a wide variety of language, some of which I know for a fact they wouldn't even think about using in church.

So, being set back a bit, I thought about my own actions in public, and just in general. I thought about how I act at college and if those who talked to me would notice I'm not exactly your ordinary girl. People will notice things about you just from the language you use, your actions, everything. Granted, many of us let a few words slip every now and then, I'm not saying I don't. No one is perfect, but you don't have to be perfect to be different. I knew of a family at this church I used to go to. Super nice people, always upbeat and just fun to be around, at church. But at home level, they used language that wasn't good, did some things that weren't good, and so on. Sure, they were different, but not different enough to notice. ...How different are you?

All of this makes me think about this statement I hear once in a while: "the greatest cause for atheism is Christianity". And do you know why? Because people who claim to be Christians aren't living like Christians. You can go around saying "I'm a Christian, I love Jesus", but if your actions don't say the same thing, what does that say about you? People aren't going to wonder about the hope, love, and joy we have as Christians if they can't see its evidence in our lives. If they see they are no different than us, they think they have no reason to be a Christian and have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I don't know about you, but I want them to have that relationship.

On a different note, if I say those things, who is being the hypocrite, me or them? I know I'm not perfect, but my language and actions are definitely different. When I was younger one of my favorite movies was Harriet The Spy. After the kids read her notebook, her best friends are angry and won't talk to her. She goes to one of their houses and her friends dad talks to her. He gets her away from his dad, pushes her to the door, and tells her; "you can't be my friend if you're not my friend." It makes me think of the statement "you can't be different if you're not different", if you say you're different your life will reflect it. Its mainly a 'heart issue'. Whats in your heart flows to your mind, which in turn flows out of your mouth, hands, and whole being. You can only lie about who you are for so long and to a certain extent. People won't see you as different if you're not. Its quite simple actually...  

So, what does your life say about you? Do you feel a bit like a hypocrite sometimes, or do you think others are acting like one? Aside from the matter of what our heart is like, heres the question::

What do my words and actions say?

Jeremiah 29:11-13

 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans of peace, and not of evil. To give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me, and will go and pray to me. And I will answer you. And you will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart."

Crazy how these verses keep coming up in my blog, but I think they're important. For me, they're huge. I struggle so much with God's will for my life and whats going to happen. Right now its about school, summer, relationships... just life in general. I haven't a clue whats going on, and sometimes that feeling drives me nuts. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things too complicated though..   If God knows the plans He has for me, says He'll answer me, and will find Him, whats my issue? The part about searching for Him with all my heart. I think as Christians we sometimes get into this mindset that 'we love Jesus, Jesus loves us, we're good', and I know I often do. I want to search with all my heart but it just seems like life gets in the way. Stuff comes up, and I find myself wondering why I'm not finding God and then seem to answer myself instantly with 'ALL your heart..'. Stuff: strange relationships, friends, work, school, social stuff... and the list goes on.

The other crazy thing is that I'm not sure if in all of this I'm searching for God or something else..  Some days are hard. I'll have one thing on my mind all day, knowing its ridiculous, and then the next be focused on God. Its hit or miss really.

I don't know why I'm writing this.. I hope it makes sense. I'm tired, have a religion paper to write, and its almost 1:40... fantastic. Guess I had a fever and had to write, maybe someone will get what I mean. Sometimes I don't write the full meaning of things down.. I guess tonight was one of those times. I don't even know if I know the full meaning of whats going on in my head right now. We'll see what happens. Now about that religion paper..

New Places and Faces

Most kids have dreams for when they graduate; go to college, get out on their own, go have a different life, and get away from a lot of things they've known for 18 years. I was one of them.  I graduated in May and moved out during the summer. I moved 3 hours west to the other side of the state. Its great here and I love it. People are more laid back, and generally nicer. I got away from what I needed to for the most part, and everything seemed cool. It was such a nice change and I know I really needed it, really needed a fresh start I guess you could say.

My motives for moving out may have been a bit skewed though... I was frustrated with things going on in my church, frustrated with life at home, and frustrated with relationships that I knew weren't pleasing to God. So I basically ran from everything (which isn't the best thing to do with your problems). It took numerous trips back and forth to get everything here and to get myself settled. I still have a lot of stuff left at the old house, which I have no idea what I'm going to do with, but I've lived here for about 7 months now. Overall its been a great seven months and God has truly blessed me.

If you've ever heard the song Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks, thats kinda how things went, except my parents didn't drive away because I drove myself. Anyway. We always came here as a family one week every summer as a vacation. It was awesome and the whole family loved it. When it came time for me to pick colleges, I had a few picked out, and the one I'm going to wasn't one of them. My grandpa told me I could live here, so I figured it would save lots of money and took him up on the offer. I needed to experience new things and get out on my own, so that was also a pretty cool opportunity sitting right out in the open for me. I've always loved doing new things and meeting new people, and since I've moved over here, I've done both. I've met so many new people its crazy, and I've done more new things that I never thought I'd do in I don't know how long. Its been an awesome seven months =]

Even though its been awesome, everyone has their ups and downs, right? Well, I almost feel like I ought to be done doing new and spontaneous things. As much as I love them, and although people may not notice, new things scare me to death. I found a home church for Wednesdays, but for Sundays I'm between two churches. Both have amazing worship and the pastors love God and are committed to preaching His Word. However, one is more laid back in teaching, yet straight forward, and the other is more of what you'd expect a Sunday sermon to be. The youth at the first one aren't terribly friendly, only a few have talked to me, but the youth at the second are friendly and I've had at least two or three talk to me every time I've went there. The second also has a Sunday School class for college age students. I kept telling myself I needed to find a new church when I got here that was altogether different from the one I used to go to. Well, I did (the first one mentioned), but it just didn't seem to be what I needed. So, all said and done, I'm most likely going to end up at the second one for the majority of Sunday services.

Upon graduating, I had dreams of moving somewhere, going to college, finding prince charming, getting married,..and having a life. I realized that even though that has happened to some people, it doesn't seem like God's plan for me right now. I got here and was so anxious that my head wasn't one straight and I screwed up. It wasn't that bad, but I had worked myself up, and when I realized what I did I felt like an idiot. I realized how much fun I'm having being able to go out with friends and do just whatever without having to answer to someone. I'm not being wild or anything, but things would be different if I wasn't single. Although, when I do get into a relationship I won't mind not doing some of the stuff. My point is to live and have fun without worrying about it... and I realized that after a while and it made so much sense.

Overall, I love it here... but I almost want to be done with new things in a way. These past 7 months have given me so many new things that are swirling around in my head, that they sometimes make me dizzy. I keep saying enough with new things, and I was thinking about moving out west (frivolous, I know, but it would be cool if I could support myself fully), and how neat of a new experience that would be. Its like I love new experiences, but when they get here I have to step back and look at what I got myself into... haha. One new experience that I'm psyched to see if I get to have, is counseling at Lake Ann. This would be altogether new, but I really feel thats where God wants me.. and I know it would be an absolutely awesome experience. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, I don't know if any of this made sense to anyone, but if it did, I'm glad.. Life is crazy, but it is what it is sometimes. Its fun though =] and I'm excited to see what happens.

Simplicity

Ok, so.

I was just reading someones blog and realized how I needed to write in mine.. I haven't written in way too long. There's been a few times since my last entry that I've said 'I should write today! ....nah,..' so I didn't. But one of the blogs I just read was.. inspiring.. in a way.

I'm sitting in the campus library, read a joke in their blog entry, and tried my hardest to contain my laughter. It wasn't one of those little girly giggles, just a simple and pure laugh of enjoyment and knowing something was absolutely hilarious. Funny thing is, the joke was just random. I love random jokes, but this is one of the best, and I don't know why, but I laughed and shook and tried to breathe until the tears squeezed from my eyes and the guy sitting two seats over came to look at what was wrong with me. He proceeded to read the entry, and when he got to the joke, started laughing  too. So, I know its not just me =] 

Funny aside, it reminded me of how simple things can be. We live in a world where EVERYTHING has been made so stinking confusing and complex that sometimes we don't know up from down. Am I right? Society has forgotten that we're just here to live.. just to live, thats all. God put us here because He wants us here. Ta-da! End of entry. ... just kidding. But really, how often do we walk through a park and see intricate details in flower petals, or have our day made by a 3 year old who came up to us on a 'bad day' and made us laugh? Simple things are what make everyday lives better. Do you smell the rain? Hear the wind? When was the last time you looked at the stars for more than a passing glance, or how about watching for fireflies?? Maybe if we notice these things more we'll have a better appreciation for life... 

Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering what the joke was that provoked this blog entry, so here it is:

Why did the boy fall off the swing???

He was hit by a piano!!!!!!!

A Little Encouragement (My Heart #8)

Psalm 62:5-6 My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I SHALL NOT BE MOVED.  


Micah 7:8-9 Do not rejoice over me, my enemy; When I fall, I will arise; When I sit in darkness, The Lord will be a light to me. I will bear the indignation of the Lord, Because I have sinned against Him, Until He pleads my case And executes justice for me. He will bring me forth to the light; I will see His righteousness.  


Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans of peace and not of evil; to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me, and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me, and find Me, when you search for Me with ALL your heart."  


- So, these three sets of verses mean an awful lot to me..I'll try some explanations..:  


- Set one: One of the speakers last weekend told us how he had been at a meeting, and the others were saying things that weren't exactly nice, and instead of lashing out with words, he kept repeating the first set of verses over and over in his head, "..wait SILENTLY for God alone.." you know, how often do we do that.. wait silently? By nature we want to defend ourselves and lash right back at the other people. Silence is a hard concept for most people. We do so much in our everyday lives that involves talking.. reality is: its hard to be silent. But, I don't think the silence here is only referring to speech, its referring to a quiet heart to God. Kinda like in Psalm 46:10 "..Be still and know that I AM GOD.." Some translations say "wait patiently", which goes along with "be still.." Silence. Wait for God. -


-Set two: I love how this one sounds so definite: "..When I fall, I WILL arise.." it doesn't say I might arise.. it says I WILL arise. Israel is confessing that she knows she sinned against God, knows she will pay the consequences, but also knows that God will forgive and bring her back to Him. How awesome is that? Do we have that mindset? The mindset of "I know I sinned, God will forgive me, and bring me back to Him, and I will pay the consequences because I messed up, but God will bring me back to Him" .. maybe we ought to have this mindset, eh? I think so.


-Set three: this is one of my all time favorite passages. It gives me so much encouragement when I'm down to know that whatever is happening is part of God's plan and it will work out. Its also awesome to know that God will listen when we pray, he says so right in verse 12. And then in verse 13... when I read this the first time I stopped completely: "You will seek me and find Me, when you search for Me with ALL your heart". (all isn't capitalized in the Bible, I did that) to me, its just God saying, 'hey, I love you, and want to be sought after with all of your heart, I don't deserve to be any other priority than your first..' and He doesn't. That verse wouldn't hit so hard without the little word 'all'. But thats just it, when we search for God, we will find Him. And I so want to find Him!


So, how about you? What is your response to these verses? ..are you searching for something that you can't find and you still feel an empty hole inside no matter what you try to fill it with? Maybe you should let God in, and He will fill that hole

Be My Everything.. (My Heart #7)

(written January 4, 2010)


I recently went to a young adults retreat at Lake Ann Camp called THE BREAK, and thats exactly what it was, a break. A much needed one at that. It was great to get away for a while, the speakers were great, and the worship was awesome. The speakers spoke about genuine faith, pain, defeat, discouragement, and some other things. The things that got me the most were the messages on pain, defeat, and discouragement. It hit me hard when the speaker told us thats what he was going to be talking about all weekend, but it was anxious to hear what he had to say about it because thats kind of what my life was like this past year. There was painful stuff, defeat, discouragement, and everything in between. Anyway, his messages were good, and helped a lot.

....And then we celebrated new year =) a new year reminded me that God forgives and I didn't have to think about last year anymore.. because it was last year. Sort of like sin. Once it happens, and God forgives us, its gone. Audio Adrenaline wrote a song about it being 'on the ocean floor'.. and thats so true. Its gone.. forever.

So, I decided this year is going to be different. Tenth Avenue North wrote a song called You Are. The chorus says this, "I give You all of me, for all You are, here I am, take me apart..take me apart.." ..and thats what I want. I want to give God all of me because of who He is. That statement brings me to the song below. We sang it at the retreat, and its about wanting God to be our everything. About Him being evident in EVERY aspect of our lives. Thats exactly what I want.




Everything - Tim Hughes


God in my living. There in my breathing
God in my waking. God in my sleeping

God in my resting. There in my working
God in my thinking. God in my speaking

Be my everything, Be my everything
Be my everything, Be my everything

God in my hoping. There in my dreaming
God in my watching. God in my waiting
God in my laughing. There in my weeping
God in my hurting. God in my healing

Be my everything, Be my everything
Be my everything, Be my everything

Christ in me, Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me, Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything, You are everything
You are everything, You are everything

Jesus, Everything, Jesus, Everything
Jesus, Everything, Jesus, Everything

"...with ALL your heart.." (My Heart #6)

(written December 2, 2009)


As I'm sitting here, filling out an application, some of the questions take me back. As simple and straight forward as they are, some hurt, and I question answering them thruthfully. That just shows me how immovable I really am..

If I didn't answer them truthfully, then I wouldn't be able to live it down.. lying on an application for a Christ-centered camp whose existence is to help people grow in their relationships with God = not good

But, if I do, people will know things that I really don't want them to..

(I am going to answer truthfully, by the way)

Thinking about that reminded me of Jeremiah 29:13 "You will find me," says the Lord, "when you search for Me with all your heart" .... ALL our hearts. I know that when the stuff happened, I was definitely not searching for God with all my heart. In fact, I wasn't really searching for Him at all. I knew what was going on didn't need to be happening, but it did. That just showed me how immovable I really am.

But what about forgiveness? I asked God for forgiveness, and yet I still feel so crummy about the decisions even though they're in the past. Will the camp not hire me, even though God forgave me? It wouldn't make sense for them not to... but why would they ask the questions if they didn't NEED to know for some reason what the answers were? I don't understand... it doesn't matter, really, for them to know the answers.

My point.. I guess.. is that searching for God with ALL my heart would not have resulted in my present dilemma. But I really can't do anything about that now.. so, this stinks. Since I've moved over here, I have been searching for God will all my heart, and in my opinion, thats what matters. Right now, right here, I desire what God desires. Isn't that enough? I can only hope searching for God with all my heart right now makes all the difference. The past is the past,.. right?

"You will find me," says the Lord, "when you search for me with all your heart" -Jeremiah 29:13

Summertime!..at Lake Ann? (My Heart #5)

(written November 30, 2009) 


Ever since the first summer ministry trip I went on in 2007, I've really been into the summer camp scene.
Ever since the summer before sixth grade, Lake Ann has had a HUGE impact on my life.

Coincidence? Possibly

But, last summer I really wanted to work at a summer camp.. I was considering one in New York, and Lake Ann, but then I figured it was my summer before college started and I'd be too busy to commit to anything,.. so I didn't. I went through the rush of moving everything to this side of the state, which took numerous trip, and settling in and finding a job and all that fun stuff. But I still had this really strong feeling, or pull maybe, and Lake Ann was always in the back of my mind. Reckon, I hadn't been there since the summer before my sophomore year in high school, so maybe I just missed it an awful lot.

I went to Lake Ann for five summers in a row. First there was Juniors, then two years of Junior High, then Fresh Start, and then Senior High. Each year my counselor played a huge role in my camp experience. They were always there to encourage, offer a little tough love, and sometimes bring up things that I didn't agree with.. just so I'd learn to deal. They always seemed so much older, but they were all college kids. I then learned that you only have to be entering your sophomore year in college to apply to be a counselor. So, my mind worked wonders, and convinced me I knew what my summer plans were for next year.

For a while I thought God had other plans

Over here, theres another camp. The more I looked into it, the more I liked it. And the more I liked it, the more I started to weigh the options of that camp and Lake Ann. Wanting to do what God wanted, I prayed. A lot. Lake Ann was further away.. but I'd never been to this camp, and to be honest, when I looked into it further and started talking to people,it didn't quite seem like it was a good fit for me. So, back to Lake Ann's website I went. Reminiscing. Reaching back into the files of my memory and remembering the time.........when I wore a ball cap around camp for the whole week, when Kim and I had sugar highs and almost knocked ourselves out trying to jump onto the bunks and hitting our heads, when I looked out over Pyramid Point and knew God was right there in the quiet with me, when I found new friends in a new freedom and figured out that I can be social..... when I found God .......

Off subject for a minute, when I say 'wanting to do what God wanted'.. what comes to mind? I know I say that a lot. Its true - I want to do what God wants for me, the plans He has for me. But, in a conversation I recently had, one of my best friends brought up a great point. I don't know what those plans are.. and when I pray and don't get answers, I tend to stay put for a long time. He asked me why not just jump in? If God hasn't answered me, maybe He wants me to take a few steps on my own. Besides, He always isn't going to answer, and love gives us choices. This person told me that He gives us choices - so when we take steps on our own, He'll go with that and prepare the way for the next steps we make also. Interesting.. so, maybe I'm supposed to make my own decision on this one?

I think it was made for me earlier though. Looking through their website I found a new retreat that I hadn't been to yet. I looked into it, and I'm now registered to go. I was looking through pictures and videos on the website and felt the all too familiar tug on the strings on my heart again. As if God is saying, "hello! what are you thinking? you want to be here.. what are you waiting for?"

So, after all that, I'm pretty sure I know where God wants me. And if those signs were just in my imagination, then I'm taking those steps to see if a door opens for me to follow through with them. I was told I couldn't get an application to work there until 2010, and the retreat will put me there on January 1 and 2.. so we'll see what happens. I think its time for me to be there in case some kid struggling with things like I was needs some encouragement, or maybe just someone to help them. After the impact Lake Ann made in my life.. I think its one of the least things I can do. I want to be there, I love it there, and its a safe haven for young kids.. game on.

Please pray

If I seem like some teen searching for something, I am. God's heart. That won't ever change. 

What and Where, God? (My Heart #4)

(written November 15, 2009)


After the other three colleges I wanted to attend didn't work out I moved over here for college and to get away from life as I knew it. I could've stayed there and went to college, but I needed a change, needed to leave town and I really wanted to just start over. So, I did. But some things never change I guess.

My family ended up moving over here too, so I'm still around them. Funny thing is, everyone asks why I didn't just go to the community college back where I used to live, and now that I think about it: I'd still be living with my parents.. who are moving here.. so I would've ended up at west shore anyway. hah.. God sure knows what He's doing. I'm sooo glad.

I have no idea what I'm doing.. no idea where I'm going..

I have no idea where God wants me, and thats really frustrating sometimes. I thought I had things so figured out.. I was going to go to Baptist Bible College, get an education and a job, find prince charming, get married, start a family, blah blah..

...but God had other plans...

So, here I am, in college for early childhood education and childcare, but I don't want to teach. I don't know what I want to do, or what God wants me to. I thought this would get figured out. I knew I wanted to work with kids, so I put that as my intended major, but I really have no clue. Its like God's saying, "this makes you happy, we both know that, but we also both know you're not cut out to be a teacher, so just go with it for now" ....so I'm going with it for now, but I always wonder what God wants me to do.. I've become desensitized to some things in a way so I always wonder if He's told me and I wasn't listening. Thats a scary thought..

I like it here - I really do. Shortly after I moved and saw how much I grew closer to God without some of the previous influences I had back home, I made a few changes, and things started looking up. I got back on track. But now I'm comfortable, and I don't think thats good. Comfort is a state that I know I need to be careful of - its like I get so wrapped up in everything because life is good, that I forget why I'm really here and what I can do to keep God first in my life. I've been working on keeping Him first priority, but sometimes life gets in the way and screws everything up. Of course, God knows this, because He know everything that goes on in my life. But back to comfort - its almost as if we sometimes get to the place where we say, "I love Jesus and my friends love Jesus, so everything's ok, nothing bad here.." really? um, no. We get so comfortable in our own circumstances that we forget why God put us here.. for Him, to impact others.

I don't know what I'm doing here, I'm just here because God put me here, but He did that for a reason. I'm starting to look at colleges again for when I transfer, but something just keeps telling me to take it easy because I won't be moving.. and I'll be staying here. Staying here will be fine by me, but theres also the aspect of finishing school (which I'm sick of.. I just know I need a degree for a decent job) and getting a better job.

Then theres the whole prince charming thing.. thought I found him for a while and I was quite wrong, but, again, God had other plans. I'm really glad for those plans by the way. Things would be so different if they didn't exist. Instead of looking for him, I'm searching for God instead. You know, the whole quote that says something like ' a womans heart ought to be so lost in God's that a man has to seek God's heart to find hers '.. something like that. Its really weird, especially when friends are getting married and having children of their own. I thought I was so ready, then stepped back and thought about it for a while.. hah.. that just freaked me out and reminded me that although I'm an adult, I'm still way young. My mom always told me that I need to 'live' first before I get so wrapped up in life and a family. I always thought 'but I'm living right now..' so, after this whole paragraph, I think my point is that it'll happen when God wants it to happen, and I'm ok with that.

So, life as I know it is so different now. Over here, everyone is so much more laid back. Instead of being super involved in one church, I'm between two right now..trying to decide which one to make home. Trying to decide what God wants me to do, and trying to forget not to live the life He has given me. I have amazing friends over here, and am so thankful for them.

My last thoughts, if any of this note made sense to anyone, would be that God is in control, and will continue to be. He has plans that I have no clue about.. and I need to be patient. I lack patience.. but He is my strength when I don't have any, and I won't forget that.

.."I can see you, and thats all that matters".. (My Heart #3)

(written November 8, 2009)

So, this morning I tried out a new church in Ludington. The pastor told this story: 

Theres a young boy whose house catches on fire and he makes it to the roof. His father, however, made it outside and is calling to him on the rooftop. All the boy sees is smoke and flames. The father keeps calling, "son, jump, I'll catch you" but the boy is afraid because he can't see him. His father calls again, "son, jump, I'll catch you" to which the boy replies, "but I can't see you!". The father replies, "I can see you, and thats all that matters"

think about it for a minute..

Father:"Son, jump, I'll catch you!"
Son: "but I can't see!"
Father: ..."I can see you and thats all that matters"...




How often is that a conversation we ourselves have with God? We get so scared because we can't see past the flames and smoke in our own lives and we know that He is there, but because we can't see God, we get too scared to jump. He's calling us to a life where situations like that will be abundant. "Son, jump, I'll catch you", how promising is that?! God says He'll catch us.. and sometimes we won't jump ..just because we can't see.. For me, the concept is really challenging, because I struggle with things like this all the time. I know God is there, but I question.. and I don't jump. It often becomes a question of what would've happened if I had.. what would God have done? How would He have worked through me? ..but I won't know.

We can't always see Him, but thats going to happen, its called life. It all comes down to the point that we have to come to the place where when God says "jump", we jump, because He can see us, and thats all that matters.


"Jump" ... "I can see you, and thats all that matters"

While I'm Waiting (My Heart #2)

(written October 10,2009)


My life right now. youtube it, its a great song.
actually, heres the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3b2jw1rjBc


While I'm Waiting by John Waller

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

To My Friends Who Don't Agree/Approve (My Heart #1)

(written September 12,2009)


I recently made a decision that turned my and someone else's world upside down. Apparently, that someone else was talking to some of my friends from school, none from church mind you, and said they think my reasoning was stupid.

I don't care.

That reason is solid, and is not my only reason, but the main one. When something is not God's will for your life, then you need to run. Run away from that something, so you don't get caught up in it and miss whatever God does have for you. I don't know what God's plan is for my life - none of us know what His plan is for our life, and we need to accept that, and trust what He is doing in our lives at the time. He has an awesome plan for each our lives, and if we give our lives to Him, He will show us, and bless us. Someone very special to me once told me that the consequences for disobedience (to God) will always be far worse than those for obedience (to the world). I stand by that statement.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path. Provers 3:5-6

I'm trusting in God, not in myself, because by myself I am horribly weak, and lost. The decision both was and was not my decision, but, nontheless, I made a decision. I stand by that decision, and all those who stand beside me, thank you. For all those who don't - thats your business.

This note was in no way meant to be snobbish. I'm just letting everyone know where I stand.

Getting Started

Ok, so I've never really been much of a blogger but figured this would be a good idea. Lately I've taken to writing notes on facebook, so I decided this would be better than just putting them there. I like things that are somewhat structured sometimes. Sometimes. Anyway, the name of the blog is just that. I write about life, my heart, and God. Just stuff that goes on in everyday life. I like to keep things real.

I figure since I've already kinda started a series type thing on my facebook, I'd put what I've written so far on here. It would probably make more sense to do that anyway. So, even though they'll all be posted on one day, they weren't all written on one day.