(written December 2, 2009)
As I'm sitting here, filling out an application, some of the questions take me back. As simple and straight forward as they are, some hurt, and I question answering them thruthfully. That just shows me how immovable I really am..
If I didn't answer them truthfully, then I wouldn't be able to live it down.. lying on an application for a Christ-centered camp whose existence is to help people grow in their relationships with God = not good
But, if I do, people will know things that I really don't want them to..
(I am going to answer truthfully, by the way)
Thinking about that reminded me of Jeremiah 29:13 "You will find me," says the Lord, "when you search for Me with all your heart" .... ALL our hearts. I know that when the stuff happened, I was definitely not searching for God with all my heart. In fact, I wasn't really searching for Him at all. I knew what was going on didn't need to be happening, but it did. That just showed me how immovable I really am.
But what about forgiveness? I asked God for forgiveness, and yet I still feel so crummy about the decisions even though they're in the past. Will the camp not hire me, even though God forgave me? It wouldn't make sense for them not to... but why would they ask the questions if they didn't NEED to know for some reason what the answers were? I don't understand... it doesn't matter, really, for them to know the answers.
My point.. I guess.. is that searching for God with ALL my heart would not have resulted in my present dilemma. But I really can't do anything about that now.. so, this stinks. Since I've moved over here, I have been searching for God will all my heart, and in my opinion, thats what matters. Right now, right here, I desire what God desires. Isn't that enough? I can only hope searching for God with all my heart right now makes all the difference. The past is the past,.. right?
"You will find me," says the Lord, "when you search for me with all your heart" -Jeremiah 29:13
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