My Desire

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside -You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday - Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside - You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today - Then lay it all down before the king

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside - And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life - It's to do your will - It's to do your will

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

All my life I have seen - Where you've take me - Beyond all I have hoped - And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all you've done - So I give my hands to use

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

(My Desire - Jeremy Camp) 

So, as I'm sitting here in my bed on a lazy Friday, I think about how many times this week I've listened to this song. A couple friends of mine sang it last Sunday at church, and I really wanted to share it in case some of you haven't heard it. It has an amazing message.. one that I wonder if we sometimes forget, one that I wonder if I sometimes forget. 

The first line is about wanting to be real, empty, and without pride. I know we can't be fully without pride, but how would it impact the world around you if you just layed it down? If you emptied yourself and gave all of you to God? And if you were.. well, ..simply real? I have a hard time with all three. Since starting college, I've learned a lot about being real, and I love it. Before it seemed like sometimes I was just a little puppet; doing what I thought other people wanted me to do, because I was so thirsty for their approval. Well, about mid-October of last year, I stopped caring too much about what other wanted me to do. I started to be the individual that God was preparing for something... I fell completely in love with Him. This was a journey of prayer, devotions, churches, friends, decisions, attitudes, hopes and dreams. Being real isn't the easiest thing, thats why we struggle with it. It's so much easier to go along with other people, dress a certain way, or do certain things to fit in or be like other people. But does God call us to do that? No, of course not! He calls us to be HIS! How exciting is that?! =] I learned that we all screw up, we all have flaws, and 'crap happens', but we press on through it instead of acting like it never happened and everything was ok. Because, in fact, everything isn't always ok. 

Another thing I've been learned a lot about is emptying myself so God has all of me. This has been the hardest so far. Its hard to give God every aspect of my life, and for it to be out of my control. FYI, I like to have everything under control sometimes, and it stresses me out when things are just 'up in the air' as to how they happen. But, again, in the last year and a half, I've become much more laid back. I've learned to give God my cares, troubles, past, future, and right now I'm working on the present.. I've realized that 1. He will provide and 2. no matter what other says, it will work out ok, because however things end up God will help me through them. It's been a fascinating journey so far. I can't control my life. Yes, I can control certain things, but not my whole life. Its crazy to think about. In Tenth Avenue North's song 'Let It Go', they talk about God says: let it go, life is waiting for the ones who lose control, and its true. It can be such a burden to carry our whole lives on our shoulders, but when we give it to God, that burden suddenly gets a whole lot lighter.. almost as if its not even there. 

After learning some of these things, and hearing this song, I stand amazed at God. He knows what I want and what I need, and just nudges me ever so gently and calmly along. Learning to be real and empty is tough stuff, but its been so awesome to see God work in my life. So awesome, in fact, that I've come to have the desire to be fully His, and for Him to use me. 

God, This is my desire - This is my return - This is my desire: to be used by You