School

So here I sit at Caleb's house waiting. I'm supposed to be doing my paper for sociology but I have no motivation to do so, and I really don't feel like it. Caleb is at church getting all the Christmas decorations out with his uncle, so people can decorate today, and an hour and half ago I was told it would take them less than an hour =) ha.. soo I'm taking that 'hour' and vegging, no big deal.

Procrastinating on my paper got me thinking... what is college really worth, anyway? You hear about all these kids who go away to college and  take out super big loans to get some funny uppety degree, and then when they graduate.. bam! no job... and yet they're in debt up to their eyeballs. I don't get it. But you know what I don't get even more? Why people are pushing me to do the same. I refuse to go to some big expensive university to study for some degree that won't even get me a job, and will leave me thousands and thousands of dollars in debt. It just doesn't make sense to me. Yes, some people get jobs when they graduate, but with the economy the way it is right now, what are the chances... ?

Anymore, I see a few better and more sensible solutions. 1, go to a community college for two year  readiness/associate degree or certificate. 2, go to a community college for an associate degree then transfer to get a bachelors degree. and 3, take advantage of a high school 'vocational' programs. It also bothers me to know that people get looked down on because they went to a community college. The degrees are the same... so why does it matter? The difference: one was approximately twenty thousand dollars cheaper than the other. That seems more sensible to me... but whatever I guess.. some people just like to spend money..?

These are just my thoughts on what I see happening today.. you can or don't have to take them seriously.. just saying.

Something Beautiful

In Your ocean, I'm ankle deep - I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be - But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe - When Your tide washes over me
There's only one way to figure out - Will You let me drown, will You let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire - Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach - Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick - And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside - So I won't leave Your side, no I can't leave Your side

Hey now, this is my desire - Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach - 'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this - I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
But when I wake up, and all I want I have - You know its still all I need - Something beautiful

Hey now, this is my desire - Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach - 'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful


-Needtobreathe

My Desire

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside -You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday - Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside - You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today - Then lay it all down before the king

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside - And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life - It's to do your will - It's to do your will

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

All my life I have seen - Where you've take me - Beyond all I have hoped - And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all you've done - So I give my hands to use

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

(My Desire - Jeremy Camp) 

So, as I'm sitting here in my bed on a lazy Friday, I think about how many times this week I've listened to this song. A couple friends of mine sang it last Sunday at church, and I really wanted to share it in case some of you haven't heard it. It has an amazing message.. one that I wonder if we sometimes forget, one that I wonder if I sometimes forget. 

The first line is about wanting to be real, empty, and without pride. I know we can't be fully without pride, but how would it impact the world around you if you just layed it down? If you emptied yourself and gave all of you to God? And if you were.. well, ..simply real? I have a hard time with all three. Since starting college, I've learned a lot about being real, and I love it. Before it seemed like sometimes I was just a little puppet; doing what I thought other people wanted me to do, because I was so thirsty for their approval. Well, about mid-October of last year, I stopped caring too much about what other wanted me to do. I started to be the individual that God was preparing for something... I fell completely in love with Him. This was a journey of prayer, devotions, churches, friends, decisions, attitudes, hopes and dreams. Being real isn't the easiest thing, thats why we struggle with it. It's so much easier to go along with other people, dress a certain way, or do certain things to fit in or be like other people. But does God call us to do that? No, of course not! He calls us to be HIS! How exciting is that?! =] I learned that we all screw up, we all have flaws, and 'crap happens', but we press on through it instead of acting like it never happened and everything was ok. Because, in fact, everything isn't always ok. 

Another thing I've been learned a lot about is emptying myself so God has all of me. This has been the hardest so far. Its hard to give God every aspect of my life, and for it to be out of my control. FYI, I like to have everything under control sometimes, and it stresses me out when things are just 'up in the air' as to how they happen. But, again, in the last year and a half, I've become much more laid back. I've learned to give God my cares, troubles, past, future, and right now I'm working on the present.. I've realized that 1. He will provide and 2. no matter what other says, it will work out ok, because however things end up God will help me through them. It's been a fascinating journey so far. I can't control my life. Yes, I can control certain things, but not my whole life. Its crazy to think about. In Tenth Avenue North's song 'Let It Go', they talk about God says: let it go, life is waiting for the ones who lose control, and its true. It can be such a burden to carry our whole lives on our shoulders, but when we give it to God, that burden suddenly gets a whole lot lighter.. almost as if its not even there. 

After learning some of these things, and hearing this song, I stand amazed at God. He knows what I want and what I need, and just nudges me ever so gently and calmly along. Learning to be real and empty is tough stuff, but its been so awesome to see God work in my life. So awesome, in fact, that I've come to have the desire to be fully His, and for Him to use me. 

God, This is my desire - This is my return - This is my desire: to be used by You