It Filters Down Into Your Heart.. And Lingers There

As I sit here waiting for Caleb to get back, I keep thinking about a conversation I had with someone at college today. We got talking about all the crud that happens in everyday life, and it reminded me of a song we sang in vacation Bible school years ago. This song (Garbage In, Garbage Out) talked about how what you put into your mind, eventually comes back out of you in some form, and then that reminded me of something I read in a book (my favorite book, by the way), called When Crickets Cry by Charles Martin. Somewhere in the book it talked about this process:

- What goes into your mind, whether put there by you or not, filters through your mind, down into your heart, comes up out of your mouth and actions, and colours your whole being -

So, it made me wonder whether or not what had been going into my mind lately was good, or well, rotten. I then thought about my actions lately.. and surprise surprise, I figured myself out (well, kind of..). I've had a pretty terrible attitude lately, and what have I been putting into my mind? Judgements about other people, complaints, a negative response for everything, I've been listening to others put someone else down, and I've even joined in... and I'm really not proud of anything on that list. I hate it, actually. It was really a heart matter.. what filtered down into my heart, lingered there, and because it wasn't good, neither was anything else that came out of me. Soooo I decided to have a better outlook on everything, a more positive attitude. Because, well, I'm pretty sure it will help me out a lot, whether it be at school, work, relationships, and just in general.

I've told you about me, but what do you put into your mind? What filters through it, filters down into your heart, and what comes up out of your mouth and actions to colour your whole being? What things come out of you? What is really on and in your heart? Good or bad, it's been put there, and it's not going to leave until you tell it to, and until you force it out. So, force it out, and decide to replace it with something better. It will benefit you and attitude, and could even change your life.

Up On A Pedastool, Yet, Free To Be Me

Even as a write all this down, I'm torn as to whether or not I should share it, for fear of someone seeing and telling those involved. But as scary as it is, I have to write it.. so here it is.

Ever since Caleb and I started dating, I've felt like I've been up on a pedastool, and like everyone in this town in watching. His family is so widely known here, and everyone absolutely loves them. That worries me.. what if I'm not good enough? They're always all so kind, so giving, and always willing to help you out, and well, often.. I'm not. I didn't grow up with a help-everyone-love-everyone mindset, I grew up with the mindset of ME!! ME!!. So, being around a family who puts so much effort into helping others scares me a little bit. I always worry that something I say will be wrong, or I'll come across as a jerk, or something like that. And I've learned that it can take forever to get close to someone, and a single second to tear the whole relationship apart and really hurt someone - I don't want to do that, not at all. Yes, in the past year and a half I've learned and grew so much, and try to put others first and help them as much as I can, but I still don't have the mentality of it. It's more of a mentality that I see someone who needs help, think about it a minute, and then tell myself I should help them. What do I want it to be? I want it to be a mindset of seeing someone needs help and jumping right in to help them. But thats a stretch.

I know I'm loved for who I really am, for who my great God made me, but sometimes I really wonder how things really work. What is my place in my soon-to-be new family? I'm so different from them. I love being around them, but I guess I worry too much about messing up. I know we all screw up, but this time I'm more scared to screw up for some reason. Around Caleb I'm comfortable - I'm free to be me. I've learned a lot about love and how to love since we started dating. I'm convinced I've learned the real human definition of love since then.. when someone asks me what love is, I now tell them that love is caring for someone else so much that you put their interests first, ahead of yours, because you want what is best for them. I then realized that Caleb's family is characterized by love. They put love into everything they do... literally, everything. I want that mindset. I also realized thats why I feel so different... because I don't have that mindset. I do feel like I'm up on a pedastool.. and that is why. They have created such a great reputation and become known so well, that I'm worried I won't be able to measure up.. and maybe even stain that reputation (it could take something as small as one comment..). I know I shouldn't worry, but I do, because I'm me. I'm sooo excited to get married to Caleb. I know that God's not finished with me yet, and maybe I won't ever have that same love centered mindset, but I do know God is still going to use me for His glory - and in that, I am free to be me (and not worry!).

Please please don't take this the wrong way if you're reading this and know Caleb's family!! I simply adore them, and have nothing negative to say! I just wanted to write about the differences, how they interest me, and the struggle of feeling like you can't always measure up. For all I know, God is going to use me in a totally different way, one that will compliment the love centered mindset Caleb has, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see =] They are such a great family, and I am so excited to be part of it.

What Do I Know of Holy?

"Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be.
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees"

Does the slightest hint of Christ bring us to our kness? Does it bring ME to my knees? Does it bring YOU to your knees? Good question, huh..  well, these are words from an Addison Road song called What Do I Know of Holy? and as I was listening to it this morning, I had another "heart soaring" moment like I told you about last year. Except this one was a different kind of free, it was like a feeling of pure reverence, pure awe, at who God is. How can we not have that feeling after thinking about this chorus:

What do I know of You, who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood, but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

..does that make you feel small?  It should. God is so big, so strong, and SO in control, and yet sometimes we fail to realize that. At the beginning of the song it says "..I think I made You too small. I never feared you at all.." Do we fear God? I think a lot of times we don't even think about 'fearing' Him, we just think about obeying. So, what is the definition of holy? Having a spiritually pure quality. So, what do we know of holy? Probably not very much.
Take a listen.Think about it. Challenge yourself.

Ministry, But Where?

Seventh grade marked a turning point for me.. why? Because seventh graders were finally able to help at VBS. This event didn't seem like it would make a big difference in my life then, but looking back now, it makes all the difference.

After working with the preschoolers that year for VBS, I proceeded to work with the first and second graders for five years, and then the two and three year olds for one. Starting my junior year, I helped with fours and fives Sunday School. Somewhere inbetween, there developed a driving force, something that kept me coming back to work with children time and time again. I had learned to love children, love working with them, and learned to love in general. I'm so thankful that I helped with the preschoolers that year, because I had no idea the influence it would make on my life!

So, where did I end up? I ended up at college for Early Childhood Education, and at a church teaching first grade Sunday School. Well, I changed my major, and changed churches, and wasn't sure where to go after that. I was at a new church, and had no direction for my education. So, I threw myself at God asking what He wanted me to do. I also threw myself into ministry opportunities at my new church. I got involved with the Jr. and Sr. High Youth Groups, the Tween ministry (4th-6th grade), started teaching PreSchool Sunday School once a month, and had babysitting opportunities for families in the church and a Bible Study.
I didn't get an answer from God right away, but after searching for God's heart for months, I just recently came to a realization that I had been told many many times, it just hadn't ever clicked:
God wanted me to do what made me happy, but to do it for Him. And to LOVE people. Jesus came to love people, and I intend to do the same.

Easy enough? I thought so at first, but then a few questions floating around in the back of my mind caught my attention. I realized that I had thrown myself into ministry so much, and become so completely involved in it, that I had almost isolated myself from friends outside the church, and my family. Family had always been important to me, and church had been my 'safe place' and I had always been super invovled at church in my hometown. So, becoming invovled in church again only seemed natural. But this time it was different, I didn't live with my parents, so there was even less contact with them. And it also gave me another thought: "if God is calling me to be in ministry, and to love people, wouldn't my family be the best and first place I ought to start?" This had always been in the back of my mind, because growing up, I wasn't the best kid. I was rude and nasty at home, and then a sweet little girl at church. I went with my great-grandma, so no one really knew, and there were no confrontations about being two-faced. But God had convicted me of truly living my life for Him my junior year... so I had at least put thought into it. My junior and senior years were pretty rough, and I did my best, but often failed to live a life that would please God. College was like a fresh start for me, and I flourished in my relationship with Him. But I realized lately that I also need to work on my relationship with my family. Its not bad, but I want it to keep getting better and better!

To say the least, lately I've been trying to see my family as much as I can, and to show love as much as I can. Let me tell you, its not the easiest thing in the world, at all, but I want them to know God's love like I've experienced it, and I figure this is the best place to start: right where I am.

I'll leave you with these few thoughts: How is your relationship with God? What kind of ministry is He calling you to be involved in? Are you listening? Can your ministry involvement be as close as your family, friends, workplace or home? Please, please, think these things through.. I did, and I was truly blessed. And I want nothing less for you.