Learning to deal.. with all that life throws at me. That's what I've been working on lately. Last week when I wrote about some of my frustrations, I was just writing to make sense of everything. However, this past week has been espeicially hard, and I've already made sense of it. Some major boundaries were crossed and I didn't like it. In fact, I was very hurt and insulted and felt trampled on all at the same time. One thing that had happened was voiced, and those involved got angry. Now tell me, how am I supposed to be honest about things that are bothering me if voicing them only makes things worse? I wasn't rude at all about it, but I made myself clear, and then when Caleb clarified it with them again later, I learned that they basically took what I said and threw it out the window, and continued to do what they had been doing. It was pretty frustrating. I really don't understand. I would aboslutely love a say in how my wedding goes, the decorations, etc., but I guess I'm not entitled to that. Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond thankful for everything these few people are doing to help, but it just seems like they're controlling every aspect of the wedding. I'd like to help with my own wedding.. but I'm getting so frustrated because whatever I say seems to be disregarded until I fight it.
So, where does that put me? I'm sure I sound like a jerk by now, considering that was the first thing in this post. But really, there are certain things that just bug me, and those seem to be the things that get brought up or are disagreed on. I'm wondering if people realize how they're coming across. I've been told I could just be taking things the wrong way, and I thought about that for about two months every time there was something that we disagreed on, so I can tell you that I'm not taking things the wrong way, I'm taking them how they're given to me. I'm being told how things are going to be done for my own wedding.. not being given a choice. I can definitely tell you that I didn't think planning our wedding would be this frustrating.
I've been trying to think of other ways I can tell some people to back off a little bit, but do it respectfully. I was faced with comments about not saying anything because someone is paying for something in the wedding, but I don't think that's right. Yes, I do think they should have a say in how whatever they are paying for goes, but the two people getting married need to have the final say, because after all it is their wedding - their big day that is one of the most important days in their lives. Just because someone is paying for something doesn't mean they get to control it. They are probably paying for it because they love one or both of the people and want to help - so the control aspect shouldn't even be a worry.
All this to say that four days from my wedding I'm so frustrated I feel like I could explode. I shouldn't feel like this, but I just can't let the frustrations go. I know that everything will work out and my wedding will be wonderful, and beautiful. It will be just how God wants it to be, and for His daughter, He wants nothing less than the desires of her heart. I've been told that, and I believe it with every ounce of my being. Its just the 'getting there' part that has me spent and frustrated. I'd appreciate it if you would pray for these last few days until the wedding. Pray that there won't be any falling outs between people, and that we will work together to finish up the last few things that need to get done. Also, pray for peace of mind, that I can let go of some of the things that are bothering me. Much thanks.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Pictures!
Hey all! I just thought I'd drop back in and write a side note that I figured out how to add pictures to my posts! I'm probably way behind in this realization, but I've had some time to spend on my site the last few days, so I've figured out how to work this thing better and do more than just post an entry.. haha. And I see other people add pictures and it drove me crazy that I didn't know how.. so I figured it out =]
Anyway, I went back to the post titled "Life.." and added some pictures from Seattle and one of Caleb and I, so now you can see a bit of what we did.
Hopefully I'll be able to put some pictures into most of my posts now!
In light of my new discovery, below is a picture from a mission trip last year to the Badlands in South Dakota, and was taken in the Badlands National Park
Have a good day!
Anyway, I went back to the post titled "Life.." and added some pictures from Seattle and one of Caleb and I, so now you can see a bit of what we did.
Hopefully I'll be able to put some pictures into most of my posts now!
In light of my new discovery, below is a picture from a mission trip last year to the Badlands in South Dakota, and was taken in the Badlands National Park
Have a good day!
Nerves and Accountability
So here I sit again, looking at a long to-do list but not starting because I don't even know where to start. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide there until my wedding, come out to get married, leave on the honeymoon, and live happily ever after when we get back. But, thats not even plausible. There's so much to do, and yet I sit down to write in here.. I guess somewhere underneath everything thats so overwhelming there must be some part of me thats calm, or else I'd already be a complete basket case. Anyway, I do have a few things to write about in here =]
Other than telling them "away" or "we're getting in the vehicle and driving." we're not telling people where we're going on our honeymoon. I have a funny way of sometimes taking comments ways they weren't intended, so when people started asking us about honeymoon destinations, they would tell us we had to go 'here,' or just haaaad to see 'this.' My response (what was going on in my head, of course) "I don't have to do anything, its our honeymoon, we will do what we want." I know the people weren't serious that we really did have to go there - it was just their way of suggesting things they knew were cool or that we would like - but, again, I don't like the feeling of being pushed around and at that point in time, I felt like a few people were really pushing their limits. So, of course, that natually put me in a fighting mood, and those comments came to mind. Comments and arguments like that are constantly going through my head, its just my nature. I grew up arguing about things that didn't even matter, just to argue, and the frivolousness of that still hasn't quite grown out of me. I'm trying to grow out of it, but theres only so much I can do.. it is just frustrating because many people still Caleb and I as children - because thats all they've ever seen us as - and still expect us to do what they say or 'suggest', or be loyal to them instead of each other. They are losing control over one or the other of us, and are having to adjust because they're not used it. The fighting side in me keeps saying that they should probably get used to it fast, because in nine (yes nine!) days we will be our own unit, accountable only to each other and God, and they will have no control over us like they used to. That probably sounds really jerkish, but in literal terms, thats really how it is going to be in nine days. Caleb and I will be accountable to each other. I don't know how to make any of that come across nicely, because of course it sounds mean, but I just don't know how to explain it better.
Another thing that has been on my mind the past few months (and one of the reasons I haven't written much in here) is a position of leadership and how to act because of it. At the church I attend, I am involved in PreSchool teaching, the Tween ministry, AWANA (during the school year), and am a leader in both the Junior and Senior High youth groups. Our youth pastor was terminated the beginning of March, and our senior pastor is retiring the end of July (I think?). So, needless to say, everyone involved in these ministries has had to step up a bit to pick up some of the extra load. We now have a leaders meeting for youth group every Sunday evening, where we discuss a lot of stuff, but even before the meetings started, I had started to think about and talk through a few things concerning leadership with Caleb. About the middle of January I had begun to think about how your conduct in general and your personal life are not just personal when you're in leadership positions. Students are constantly watching you, and have no problems relaying stories of what they've seen to other students. So, why does this matter? Because even during things that involve no students in your life, you are still up on a pedastool being watched. I think that your conduct outside of the time being around students is just as important as the time you are with the students. They see how you act when you're not at church, they see what you do for things like entertainment (what was the last movie you saw..? cough cough), they see how you handle relationships with others and people in general. They are like sponges! Watching to see how you act can directly effect the ways they act and their thoughts as to what is ok/not ok. I started to get a little bit intimidated by all that at first. I mean, really... I didn't post stuff on Facebook or on here, for fear of it coming across wrong to a student and giving them the wrong impression or thought pattern. But, I've found those challenges as a good experience for me. Before posting something I would ask myself if I really thought people needed to know it, if it was kind or uplifting, or if it was badmouthing or putting someone down. Some days I just sat down and had to force myself to do something else because I knew what I was doing - that was leading me to write those things I didn't end up posting - was probably not good or healthy for me to be involved in or to think about. So, at the end of these thoughts, my conclusion is that being in leadership positions has helped me to be held accountable in my personal life, sometimes without even realizing it. Granted, some days I would grumble about it, because I really did want to post that sentance on Facebook - even though I knew I shouldn't - and I was angry because I knew I shouldn't/couldn't, but overall, it has helped me not only in my personal life, but also realize that I can be more of an open book to students, which could be more helpful to them than I could imagine.
Other than telling them "away" or "we're getting in the vehicle and driving." we're not telling people where we're going on our honeymoon. I have a funny way of sometimes taking comments ways they weren't intended, so when people started asking us about honeymoon destinations, they would tell us we had to go 'here,' or just haaaad to see 'this.' My response (what was going on in my head, of course) "I don't have to do anything, its our honeymoon, we will do what we want." I know the people weren't serious that we really did have to go there - it was just their way of suggesting things they knew were cool or that we would like - but, again, I don't like the feeling of being pushed around and at that point in time, I felt like a few people were really pushing their limits. So, of course, that natually put me in a fighting mood, and those comments came to mind. Comments and arguments like that are constantly going through my head, its just my nature. I grew up arguing about things that didn't even matter, just to argue, and the frivolousness of that still hasn't quite grown out of me. I'm trying to grow out of it, but theres only so much I can do.. it is just frustrating because many people still Caleb and I as children - because thats all they've ever seen us as - and still expect us to do what they say or 'suggest', or be loyal to them instead of each other. They are losing control over one or the other of us, and are having to adjust because they're not used it. The fighting side in me keeps saying that they should probably get used to it fast, because in nine (yes nine!) days we will be our own unit, accountable only to each other and God, and they will have no control over us like they used to. That probably sounds really jerkish, but in literal terms, thats really how it is going to be in nine days. Caleb and I will be accountable to each other. I don't know how to make any of that come across nicely, because of course it sounds mean, but I just don't know how to explain it better.
Another thing that has been on my mind the past few months (and one of the reasons I haven't written much in here) is a position of leadership and how to act because of it. At the church I attend, I am involved in PreSchool teaching, the Tween ministry, AWANA (during the school year), and am a leader in both the Junior and Senior High youth groups. Our youth pastor was terminated the beginning of March, and our senior pastor is retiring the end of July (I think?). So, needless to say, everyone involved in these ministries has had to step up a bit to pick up some of the extra load. We now have a leaders meeting for youth group every Sunday evening, where we discuss a lot of stuff, but even before the meetings started, I had started to think about and talk through a few things concerning leadership with Caleb. About the middle of January I had begun to think about how your conduct in general and your personal life are not just personal when you're in leadership positions. Students are constantly watching you, and have no problems relaying stories of what they've seen to other students. So, why does this matter? Because even during things that involve no students in your life, you are still up on a pedastool being watched. I think that your conduct outside of the time being around students is just as important as the time you are with the students. They see how you act when you're not at church, they see what you do for things like entertainment (what was the last movie you saw..? cough cough), they see how you handle relationships with others and people in general. They are like sponges! Watching to see how you act can directly effect the ways they act and their thoughts as to what is ok/not ok. I started to get a little bit intimidated by all that at first. I mean, really... I didn't post stuff on Facebook or on here, for fear of it coming across wrong to a student and giving them the wrong impression or thought pattern. But, I've found those challenges as a good experience for me. Before posting something I would ask myself if I really thought people needed to know it, if it was kind or uplifting, or if it was badmouthing or putting someone down. Some days I just sat down and had to force myself to do something else because I knew what I was doing - that was leading me to write those things I didn't end up posting - was probably not good or healthy for me to be involved in or to think about. So, at the end of these thoughts, my conclusion is that being in leadership positions has helped me to be held accountable in my personal life, sometimes without even realizing it. Granted, some days I would grumble about it, because I really did want to post that sentance on Facebook - even though I knew I shouldn't - and I was angry because I knew I shouldn't/couldn't, but overall, it has helped me not only in my personal life, but also realize that I can be more of an open book to students, which could be more helpful to them than I could imagine.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Life..
Wow! The last few months have sure been a roller coaster ride! Since I posted last, I have been to Seattle, WA - for thirty six hours, taken my first flight in an aiprplane, celebrated a year with Caleb, been to Caro once for Easter, and again for four days over Mother's Day, graduated from college, experienced more complex and truly rigorous frustrations than I can remember, and now Caleb and I's wedding is only eleven days away! I have also come to the conclusion that I am most definitely unprepared for life. But everything - good and bad - has been strangely... awesome.
I cannot tell you just how truly amazing Caleb is. I couldn't ask for a better man to marry, and to share my future with. I know he'll read this, so, Caleb, you are amazing, and I love you. And.. without the support of my family and Caleb, I would be even more of a basket case than I already am right now =] So, thanks everyone, I love you's bunches!
How about I start at the top of the list and go down..? Seattle and airplanes. Wow. I wasn't super nervous to fly, but it soon made me flustered. I was okay being at the airport early, walking through metal detectors, and then boarding a cramped plane and sitting there for forty five minutes. Take off was even okay, until the plane tilted at what seemed like forty five degrees while turning and ascended at an awkward angle - at the same time. I about lost the waffles I had eaten for breakfast. Once we stabalized I was okay though =] Well, we got to Seattle okay and on time, and Caleb's cousin (who was getting married the next day (hence our reasoning for going to Seattle)) picked us up from the airport. We then went out to a restaurant with a bunch of Caleb's family called 'The Crab Pot' where I had a Salmon BLT - a regular BLT with salmon added, and tartar sauce instead of mayo - and it was delicious! We walked around town a bit with his family, and then him, his sister, and I went to the Space Needle. It was really cool. You can see so much from the top, even the mountain (Mt. Rainer?). Anyway, it was cool. The next day we went to the wedding. It was beautiful. She was gorgeous and glowing, and everything went soo well. Caleb and I got picked on by the kids (mainly Caleb though) and played along. They're so much fun, love 'em to death =] After the wedding, we spent some time around town and then got back to the airport a little bit after eleven pm. It was a long night.. our flight was supposed to leave around one am, but maintenance had to be done on the plane, and we didn't end up leaving until almost two am. When we landed in Minneapolis, we were late and had to book it to our next gate. Luckily a guy had just pulled up in a golf cart, so he gave us a ride. Well, it turned out that maintenance was being done on our next plane, so we weren't late, but we had to sit and wait a while. Soooo to end those two and half quick days, we finally got back to town. As soon as we got back at around three, I flopped down on the couch and crashed, woke up at nine pm, ate dinner, drove home, and then slept for another eigth or so hours. Pooped wouldn't even start to describe it. But it was a great trip! Seattle is a really cool city and there's so much to do. I hold fast to my claim of being a small town girl though =]
Not exactly sure if this fountain is significant in any way, but it was really neat and artsy!
Pike Place Market is the famous fish market where the employees throw fish back and forth across the counter, room, etc. - it was really funny, but really cool!
Next: one year with Caleb. As of April 8th, we had been together officially a year, but unofficially.. a few months longer =] haha. We have done so much stuff together I can't even begin to tell you everything. All I can say is that I am so ready to marry him! I can't wait to be his support, his cheerleader, and life long best friend. He is an amazing man, and I am blessed that God brought him into my life.
Caro... has always been home. Even after I moved here, I always called it home, along with the house I live in now. A strange thing has been happening though. Every time I visit, I miss the town more. The place I live now is bigger and has so much more to do, but I think Caro will always be home. I had another thought, too.. it might be because I miss my family, the wedding is so close, and its starting to get to my head. Either way, I love the town, even after I've moved away and have a different life.
Graduating from college was.. different. My graduating class at college was smaller than my graduating class in high school, which made me laugh. You always hear about these freakishly large, long, and boring college graduations, and mine wasn't at all. I still haven't gotten my actual diploma in the mail though.. haha.. but I have the cover if you want to see ;) One thing that intrigued me about graduation was that the invocation and benediction were prayers. I had just done a presentation about religion in public education institutions, so I had questions about the legality of everything in the presentation it seemed. So, when the pastor got up and started praying, my mind started racing. I'm not opposed to prayers, I actually thought it was pretty cool, but I knew from the research and presentation I had just given that it was illegal for an adult to do that. I emailed my education professor, and he said that it has been a tradition at our school for a long time to pray at graduation ceremonies, meetings, etc. My question of legality was addressed, though, in regards to our institution as being higher education so something like that doesn't seem as imposing on people because adults aren't as easily swayed as children (which could be up for debate), and not yet being challenged. I was told that if challenged, the legal process for the situation would be long and expensive, and no one has dared to bring that process upon themself quite yet, so the prayers still stand. I thought it was interesting to look into, but my research findings for religion in public K-12 education were different than regulations for institutions of higher education.
On to frustrations.. where do I start.. ha. The whole process of planning a wedding has been way much more than I could ever handle on my own, and I am so glad I've had people next to me to help! Finishing up a degree while working and planning a wedding in five months has been truly hard and quite frustrating at times. I've had to bite my tongue more times in the past five months than I can remember.. whether it be so I don't say something unkind, just lash out, interrupt when I don't agree with something, or just be rotten altogether. I can't even remember how many times I reminded myself how James told us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19), and that "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell" (James 3:6). I'm used to doing most everything myself, so when people try to help its hard to let go of stuff and just let them do it. I'm so very thankful for every single ounce of help I've been given, but there have honestly been times when I just wanted to not go around people because I knew I was going to get a list of questions that I didn't have answers for. I've had feelings not only of frustration and anger, but I've also been intimidated, felt looked down upon, and treated like a child. Of course, all the last three of those did was fuel my anger, which wasn't good at all, and frustrate me even more. There was a time when I didn't want to be around people, and didn't want to talk about wedding planning at all, I just wanted to be left alone with my own wedding to-do list so I could get some of my stuff done. I came to conclude that it was a viscious circle and that I just had to figure out a way to try and interpret the things the people were doing in a different way. That, let me tell you, has been so hard. Its getting better though =] I'll just say that I'll be glad when all the planning craziness is over. Don't get me wrong, planning has been fun, intriguing, and a good experience, but I'm all planned out. I just want to get married at this point! =]
So, all that to say a lot has been going on lately. I feel guilty about not writing in here, but I like to write so my posts end up being pretty long, and I rarely have time to actually sit down and take the time to write them. Anyway, thats whats up.
PS. My good friend and I decided that no one needs a welcoming into adulthood, because the general welcome is a newly charged high level of stress! Haha =]
Have a good day!
I cannot tell you just how truly amazing Caleb is. I couldn't ask for a better man to marry, and to share my future with. I know he'll read this, so, Caleb, you are amazing, and I love you. And.. without the support of my family and Caleb, I would be even more of a basket case than I already am right now =] So, thanks everyone, I love you's bunches!
How about I start at the top of the list and go down..? Seattle and airplanes. Wow. I wasn't super nervous to fly, but it soon made me flustered. I was okay being at the airport early, walking through metal detectors, and then boarding a cramped plane and sitting there for forty five minutes. Take off was even okay, until the plane tilted at what seemed like forty five degrees while turning and ascended at an awkward angle - at the same time. I about lost the waffles I had eaten for breakfast. Once we stabalized I was okay though =] Well, we got to Seattle okay and on time, and Caleb's cousin (who was getting married the next day (hence our reasoning for going to Seattle)) picked us up from the airport. We then went out to a restaurant with a bunch of Caleb's family called 'The Crab Pot' where I had a Salmon BLT - a regular BLT with salmon added, and tartar sauce instead of mayo - and it was delicious! We walked around town a bit with his family, and then him, his sister, and I went to the Space Needle. It was really cool. You can see so much from the top, even the mountain (Mt. Rainer?). Anyway, it was cool. The next day we went to the wedding. It was beautiful. She was gorgeous and glowing, and everything went soo well. Caleb and I got picked on by the kids (mainly Caleb though) and played along. They're so much fun, love 'em to death =] After the wedding, we spent some time around town and then got back to the airport a little bit after eleven pm. It was a long night.. our flight was supposed to leave around one am, but maintenance had to be done on the plane, and we didn't end up leaving until almost two am. When we landed in Minneapolis, we were late and had to book it to our next gate. Luckily a guy had just pulled up in a golf cart, so he gave us a ride. Well, it turned out that maintenance was being done on our next plane, so we weren't late, but we had to sit and wait a while. Soooo to end those two and half quick days, we finally got back to town. As soon as we got back at around three, I flopped down on the couch and crashed, woke up at nine pm, ate dinner, drove home, and then slept for another eigth or so hours. Pooped wouldn't even start to describe it. But it was a great trip! Seattle is a really cool city and there's so much to do. I hold fast to my claim of being a small town girl though =]
This was the hanging sign inside the Crab Pot - I thought it was a fun sign for inside a restaurant =]
Next: one year with Caleb. As of April 8th, we had been together officially a year, but unofficially.. a few months longer =] haha. We have done so much stuff together I can't even begin to tell you everything. All I can say is that I am so ready to marry him! I can't wait to be his support, his cheerleader, and life long best friend. He is an amazing man, and I am blessed that God brought him into my life.
Caro... has always been home. Even after I moved here, I always called it home, along with the house I live in now. A strange thing has been happening though. Every time I visit, I miss the town more. The place I live now is bigger and has so much more to do, but I think Caro will always be home. I had another thought, too.. it might be because I miss my family, the wedding is so close, and its starting to get to my head. Either way, I love the town, even after I've moved away and have a different life.
Graduating from college was.. different. My graduating class at college was smaller than my graduating class in high school, which made me laugh. You always hear about these freakishly large, long, and boring college graduations, and mine wasn't at all. I still haven't gotten my actual diploma in the mail though.. haha.. but I have the cover if you want to see ;) One thing that intrigued me about graduation was that the invocation and benediction were prayers. I had just done a presentation about religion in public education institutions, so I had questions about the legality of everything in the presentation it seemed. So, when the pastor got up and started praying, my mind started racing. I'm not opposed to prayers, I actually thought it was pretty cool, but I knew from the research and presentation I had just given that it was illegal for an adult to do that. I emailed my education professor, and he said that it has been a tradition at our school for a long time to pray at graduation ceremonies, meetings, etc. My question of legality was addressed, though, in regards to our institution as being higher education so something like that doesn't seem as imposing on people because adults aren't as easily swayed as children (which could be up for debate), and not yet being challenged. I was told that if challenged, the legal process for the situation would be long and expensive, and no one has dared to bring that process upon themself quite yet, so the prayers still stand. I thought it was interesting to look into, but my research findings for religion in public K-12 education were different than regulations for institutions of higher education.
On to frustrations.. where do I start.. ha. The whole process of planning a wedding has been way much more than I could ever handle on my own, and I am so glad I've had people next to me to help! Finishing up a degree while working and planning a wedding in five months has been truly hard and quite frustrating at times. I've had to bite my tongue more times in the past five months than I can remember.. whether it be so I don't say something unkind, just lash out, interrupt when I don't agree with something, or just be rotten altogether. I can't even remember how many times I reminded myself how James told us to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19), and that "The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell" (James 3:6). I'm used to doing most everything myself, so when people try to help its hard to let go of stuff and just let them do it. I'm so very thankful for every single ounce of help I've been given, but there have honestly been times when I just wanted to not go around people because I knew I was going to get a list of questions that I didn't have answers for. I've had feelings not only of frustration and anger, but I've also been intimidated, felt looked down upon, and treated like a child. Of course, all the last three of those did was fuel my anger, which wasn't good at all, and frustrate me even more. There was a time when I didn't want to be around people, and didn't want to talk about wedding planning at all, I just wanted to be left alone with my own wedding to-do list so I could get some of my stuff done. I came to conclude that it was a viscious circle and that I just had to figure out a way to try and interpret the things the people were doing in a different way. That, let me tell you, has been so hard. Its getting better though =] I'll just say that I'll be glad when all the planning craziness is over. Don't get me wrong, planning has been fun, intriguing, and a good experience, but I'm all planned out. I just want to get married at this point! =]
So, all that to say a lot has been going on lately. I feel guilty about not writing in here, but I like to write so my posts end up being pretty long, and I rarely have time to actually sit down and take the time to write them. Anyway, thats whats up.
PS. My good friend and I decided that no one needs a welcoming into adulthood, because the general welcome is a newly charged high level of stress! Haha =]
Have a good day!
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