Even as a write all this down, I'm torn as to whether or not I should share it, for fear of someone seeing and telling those involved. But as scary as it is, I have to write it.. so here it is.
Ever since Caleb and I started dating, I've felt like I've been up on a pedastool, and like everyone in this town in watching. His family is so widely known here, and everyone absolutely loves them. That worries me.. what if I'm not good enough? They're always all so kind, so giving, and always willing to help you out, and well, often.. I'm not. I didn't grow up with a help-everyone-love-everyone mindset, I grew up with the mindset of ME!! ME!!. So, being around a family who puts so much effort into helping others scares me a little bit. I always worry that something I say will be wrong, or I'll come across as a jerk, or something like that. And I've learned that it can take forever to get close to someone, and a single second to tear the whole relationship apart and really hurt someone - I don't want to do that, not at all. Yes, in the past year and a half I've learned and grew so much, and try to put others first and help them as much as I can, but I still don't have the mentality of it. It's more of a mentality that I see someone who needs help, think about it a minute, and then tell myself I should help them. What do I want it to be? I want it to be a mindset of seeing someone needs help and jumping right in to help them. But thats a stretch.
I know I'm loved for who I really am, for who my great God made me, but sometimes I really wonder how things really work. What is my place in my soon-to-be new family? I'm so different from them. I love being around them, but I guess I worry too much about messing up. I know we all screw up, but this time I'm more scared to screw up for some reason. Around Caleb I'm comfortable - I'm free to be me. I've learned a lot about love and how to love since we started dating. I'm convinced I've learned the real human definition of love since then.. when someone asks me what love is, I now tell them that love is caring for someone else so much that you put their interests first, ahead of yours, because you want what is best for them. I then realized that Caleb's family is characterized by love. They put love into everything they do... literally, everything. I want that mindset. I also realized thats why I feel so different... because I don't have that mindset. I do feel like I'm up on a pedastool.. and that is why. They have created such a great reputation and become known so well, that I'm worried I won't be able to measure up.. and maybe even stain that reputation (it could take something as small as one comment..). I know I shouldn't worry, but I do, because I'm me. I'm sooo excited to get married to Caleb. I know that God's not finished with me yet, and maybe I won't ever have that same love centered mindset, but I do know God is still going to use me for His glory - and in that, I am free to be me (and not worry!).
Please please don't take this the wrong way if you're reading this and know Caleb's family!! I simply adore them, and have nothing negative to say! I just wanted to write about the differences, how they interest me, and the struggle of feeling like you can't always measure up. For all I know, God is going to use me in a totally different way, one that will compliment the love centered mindset Caleb has, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see =] They are such a great family, and I am so excited to be part of it.
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