Nerves and Accountability

So here I sit again, looking at a long to-do list but not starting because I don't even know where to start. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide there until my wedding, come out to get married, leave on the honeymoon, and live happily ever after when we get back. But, thats not even plausible. There's so much to do, and yet I sit down to write in here.. I guess somewhere underneath everything thats so overwhelming there must be some part of me thats calm, or else I'd already be a complete basket case. Anyway, I do have a few things to write about in here =]

Other than telling them "away" or "we're getting in the vehicle and driving." we're not telling people where we're going on our honeymoon. I have a funny way of sometimes taking comments ways they weren't intended, so when people started asking us about honeymoon destinations, they would tell us we had to go 'here,' or just haaaad to see 'this.' My response (what was going on in my head, of course) "I don't have to do anything, its our honeymoon, we will do what we want." I know the people weren't serious that we really did have to go there - it was just their way of suggesting things they knew were cool or that we would like - but, again, I don't like the feeling of being pushed around and at that point in time, I felt like a few people were really pushing their limits. So, of course, that natually put me in a fighting mood, and those comments came to mind. Comments and arguments like that are constantly going through my head, its just my nature. I grew up arguing about things that didn't even matter, just to argue, and the frivolousness of that still hasn't quite grown out of me. I'm trying to grow out of it, but theres only so much I can do.. it is just frustrating because many people still Caleb and I as children - because thats all they've ever seen us as - and still expect us to do what they say or 'suggest', or be loyal to them instead of each other. They are losing control over one or the other of us, and are having to adjust because they're not used it. The fighting side in me keeps saying that they should probably get used to it fast, because in nine (yes nine!) days we will be our own unit, accountable only to each other and God, and they will have no control over us like they used to. That probably sounds really jerkish, but in literal terms, thats really how it is going to be in nine days. Caleb and I will be accountable to each other. I don't know how to make any of that come across nicely, because of course it sounds mean, but I just don't know how to explain it better.

Another thing that has been on my mind the past few months (and one of the reasons I haven't written much in here) is a position of leadership and how to act because of it. At the church I attend, I am involved in PreSchool teaching, the Tween ministry, AWANA (during the school year), and am a leader in both the Junior and Senior High youth groups. Our youth pastor was terminated the beginning of March, and our senior pastor is retiring the end of July (I think?). So, needless to say, everyone involved in these ministries has had to step up a bit to pick up some of the extra load. We now have a leaders meeting for youth group every Sunday evening, where we discuss a lot of stuff, but even before the meetings started, I had started to think about and talk through a few things concerning leadership with Caleb. About the middle of January I had begun to think about how your conduct in general and your personal life are not just personal when you're in leadership positions. Students are constantly watching you, and have no problems relaying stories of what they've seen to other students. So, why does this matter? Because even during things that involve no students in your life, you are still up on a pedastool being watched. I think that your conduct outside of the time being around students is just as important as the time you are with the students. They see how you act when you're not at church, they see what you do for things like entertainment (what was the last movie you saw..? cough cough), they see how you handle relationships with others and people in general. They are like sponges! Watching to see how you act can directly effect the ways they act and their thoughts as to what is ok/not ok. I started to get a little bit intimidated by all that at first. I mean, really... I didn't post stuff on Facebook or on here, for fear of it coming across wrong to a student and giving them the wrong impression or thought pattern. But, I've found those challenges as a good experience for me. Before posting something I would ask myself if I really thought people needed to know it, if it was kind or uplifting, or if it was badmouthing or putting someone down. Some days I just sat down and had to force myself to do something else because I knew what I was doing - that was leading me to write those things I didn't end up posting - was probably not good or healthy for me to be involved in or to think about. So, at the end of these thoughts, my conclusion is that being in leadership positions has helped me to be held accountable in my personal life, sometimes without even realizing it. Granted, some days I would grumble about it, because I really did want to post that sentance on Facebook - even though I knew I shouldn't - and I was angry because I knew I shouldn't/couldn't, but overall, it has helped me not only in my personal life, but also realize that I can be more of an open book to students, which could be more helpful to them than I could imagine.