In me, oh Lord, can You create: a pure heart, cause I'm afraid: that I just might run back to the things I hate


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Frustration

Work. Summer. Lake Ann. Church. Results. I guess I'll just go down the list... here we go

My life is a long list of frustrations right now.. and I know that everything will work out how its supposed to, but its so hard to just let it be.

First of all, work. My schedule has gotten messed up multiple weeks in a row. Last Monday I was scheduled to work at night, the same time I was scheduled for a class. I freaked out the day before, and ended up getting to work on time to get ready and start my shift. I got there, and was told that my shift was already covered. I ended up withdrawing from the class (not for work related reasons..) and told the manager that I was now available to work Monday nights. So, I get the schedule last Sunday and when am I scheduled to work? Monday afternoon during my classes. Again, my shift got covered. But thats ten hours I had to drop... which would amount to around eighty dollars.
Second, summer. I've been trying to figure out where God wants me this summer.. and I still don't know. I'm leaning towards staying here, but I have no clue. I've applied at other places to work.. so now comes the other process of waiting.. again. oh joy.
Third, Lake Ann. hoooboy is this a big one right now. I applied early, had my interview early, and got my references in early. Or so I thought. I started emailing the camp sometime in January I think. After a few weeks, I got somewhat of an answer. I was told two of my references were missing, and they liked me, but theres probably no room to counsel, ...so what did I think of handicrafts. Its been about a week again, and I haven't gotten an email. Its almost as if the delay of the emails is God telling me that its just not meant for this summer.
Fourth, church. I recently hopped on board at Cornerstone in town, and am a youth leader there. I love the church, love the people, and love the ministry they have there. So far so good, but if I get the job at Lake Ann, I won't be around the youth group this summer, and will miss out on a whole bunch of stuff that I'd like to be there for. Essentially, it would be bittersweet.
Fifth, results. After all my frustration, I took this test today to see what my spiritual gift was. My highest answer was faith. I just stared at it. I usually don't see myself as someone who would fit that.. because I fall time and time again. But this time, it was talking about how you have faith in God, that He is in control of your life, and it really set me back. I took a look at my life and saw how I'd handled things the past eight months.. and wow, I really do have a great amount of faith. That made me smile. My other two highest scores were teaching and mercy. I'm speechless on those, I really am.
So, all these things to say I'm frustrated. I guess I just want to know whats going on. I trust that God has a plan for this summer, and everything I'm going through, but I'm so eager to know whats going on so I can start planning. I like to plan stuff like this.. and I'm getting impatient. I had my heart set on something and then I figured out that maybe I shouldn't.. maybe it wasn't right for me to be there.
Now that I think about it, one thing I've learned since I moved here is that you don't necessarily always follow your heart.. that can be very dangerous. I already went through some stuff with following my heart.. and it didn't end well. This time I'm not following my heart.. I'm following GOD, and God alone... I'm just waiting to see what He has to say.... and its really hard. I just pray He'll give me the perseverance and faith to do wait.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Lighthouses and Life

I was just stopping in to write, because apparently I'm not so great at keeping up on a blog.. probably should've known that already, because I never was able to keep up on a diary/journal either. oh welll.

I was staring at my page, and thinking how different it looked since I changed it from some green thing to one with a lighthouse on it. It reminded me how very much I miss summer. Where I live now, I can go to the beach anytime I want to watch the sunsets, walk the pier to the lighthouse, swim,..or just walk around. Its actually incredibly peaceful. I like going when not many people are out and walking along the pier... but thats just me. As far back as I can remember, I've always had this love for lighthouses. We used to come here for vacation and I'd miss it when we were away, maybe thats why. But as a child, I always had a great feeling when I was able to look up from what I was doing and see a lighthouse at the end of a pier..it made me feel like I was in one of those movies where the kids are growing up this perfect little beach town or whatnot. I know no towns are perfect, but yeah.

Lighthouses are generally used for ships, so they know when they are getting close to shore and can avoid being stranded, right? So, what are our present day lighthouses? Friends, family, God, organizations,..etc. Our lighthouses are things that keep us on track and where we need to be, instead of being shipwrecked or stranded somewhere without any help. We always have people around us who would love to help us.. we just have to look to them purposely sometimes..  sometimes we need to admit we need help, and just as people look for the light on the lighthouse, we have to seek them out to help us. Lighthouses are there to help us. Why not take advantage of our resources? Theres no shame in needing help.. we all need it at times. Think about it.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

When All Else Fails

I was just about to go to bed, but I had to write this.. just had to

I was laying in bed getting ready to end my day. I was warm and cozy in my blankets, cat sleeping next to me, and just peachy. I started to pray, and these were the words that came; "Dear God, I know we haven't spoke in a while.." and  I stopped. I then continued the sentence in my own thoughts "...but I keep coming back, because You have been faithful time and time again.." Those two thoughts seem a bit ironic to go together... but the point is; when I'm at a loss, I go to God, because thats the only thing I know for sure I can do. And I also know that He will be faithful. I love being able to know that.. and to have that relationship with the God of the universe. 

On a different note, the part of "..we haven't spoke in a while.." followed by "..You have been faithful.." strikes me as both comforting and not. Its awesome to know God will be faithful, .....even when I'm not, but sad to know that I am sometimes not faithful to Him. Its like the story of the prodigal son; he goes off and does his own thing; lives wildly, wastes his money, gets himself into stuff he shouldn't, but when he comes home, his father is overjoyed. Thats how it is with God and us. We go do our own thing and when all else fails, we turn to God, and He takes us back. As faithfully as anyone ever has. I'm so very thankful for that.. 


Monday, February 15, 2010

Hypocrites: Them? Us? or Both?

I haven't forgotten about writing, I've just been busy and have lacked a topic to write about. I promise =]

It was supposed to be a normal Sunday morning. I was going to get up, get ready, go to Sunday School and then the am service, but what did I do? ...turn my alarm off instead of hitting the snooze button. Brilliant. So I jump out of bed with about ten minutes to get ready and start my day. I made it to church just as they were ending the first song so I took a seat in a pew toward the back instead of sitting up where I normally do. The pastor got to the pulpit and talked for a bit and then the people who lead the worship came back up to lead a few more songs. I knew the ones who were my age and had no clue who the others were. I did especially notice one of them though, and I instantly stopped.

-I'm not judging this person, I'm just writing what I saw. I need to make some sense of this-

I had seen this person around and even talked to them, and wouldn't have guessed them to be up on stage helping to lead worship. They are really nice to just sit and  talk to, but I was dumbfounded. In conversing with people around our age I had heard this person use a wide variety of language, some of which I know for a fact they wouldn't even think about using in church.

So, being set back a bit, I thought about my own actions in public, and just in general. I thought about how I act at college and if those who talked to me would notice I'm not exactly your ordinary girl. People will notice things about you just from the language you use, your actions, everything. Granted, many of us let a few words slip every now and then, I'm not saying I don't. No one is perfect, but you don't have to be perfect to be different. I knew of a family at this church I used to go to. Super nice people, always upbeat and just fun to be around, at church. But at home level, they used language that wasn't good, did some things that weren't good, and so on. Sure, they were different, but not different enough to notice. ...How different are you?

All of this makes me think about this statement I hear once in a while: "the greatest cause for atheism is Christianity". And do you know why? Because people who claim to be Christians aren't living like Christians. You can go around saying "I'm a Christian, I love Jesus", but if your actions don't say the same thing, what does that say about you? People aren't going to wonder about the hope, love, and joy we have as Christians if they can't see its evidence in our lives. If they see they are no different than us, they think they have no reason to be a Christian and have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I don't know about you, but I want them to have that relationship.

On a different note, if I say those things, who is being the hypocrite, me or them? I know I'm not perfect, but my language and actions are definitely different. When I was younger one of my favorite movies was Harriet The Spy. After the kids read her notebook, her best friends are angry and won't talk to her. She goes to one of their houses and her friends dad talks to her. He gets her away from his dad, pushes her to the door, and tells her; "you can't be my friend if you're not my friend." It makes me think of the statement "you can't be different if you're not different", if you say you're different your life will reflect it. Its mainly a 'heart issue'. Whats in your heart flows to your mind, which in turn flows out of your mouth, hands, and whole being. You can only lie about who you are for so long and to a certain extent. People won't see you as different if you're not. Its quite simple actually...  

So, what does your life say about you? Do you feel a bit like a hypocrite sometimes, or do you think others are acting like one? Aside from the matter of what our heart is like, heres the question::

What do my words and actions say?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Jeremiah 29:11-13

 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans of peace, and not of evil. To give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me, and will go and pray to me. And I will answer you. And you will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all your heart."

Crazy how these verses keep coming up in my blog, but I think they're important. For me, they're huge. I struggle so much with God's will for my life and whats going to happen. Right now its about school, summer, relationships... just life in general. I haven't a clue whats going on, and sometimes that feeling drives me nuts. Sometimes I wonder if I'm making things too complicated though..   If God knows the plans He has for me, says He'll answer me, and will find Him, whats my issue? The part about searching for Him with all my heart. I think as Christians we sometimes get into this mindset that 'we love Jesus, Jesus loves us, we're good', and I know I often do. I want to search with all my heart but it just seems like life gets in the way. Stuff comes up, and I find myself wondering why I'm not finding God and then seem to answer myself instantly with 'ALL your heart..'. Stuff: strange relationships, friends, work, school, social stuff... and the list goes on.

The other crazy thing is that I'm not sure if in all of this I'm searching for God or something else..  Some days are hard. I'll have one thing on my mind all day, knowing its ridiculous, and then the next be focused on God. Its hit or miss really.

I don't know why I'm writing this.. I hope it makes sense. I'm tired, have a religion paper to write, and its almost 1:40... fantastic. Guess I had a fever and had to write, maybe someone will get what I mean. Sometimes I don't write the full meaning of things down.. I guess tonight was one of those times. I don't even know if I know the full meaning of whats going on in my head right now. We'll see what happens. Now about that religion paper..

Friday, January 22, 2010

New Places and Faces

Most kids have dreams for when they graduate; go to college, get out on their own, go have a different life, and get away from a lot of things they've known for 18 years. I was one of them.  I graduated in May and moved out during the summer. I moved 3 hours west to the other side of the state. Its great here and I love it. People are more laid back, and generally nicer. I got away from what I needed to for the most part, and everything seemed cool. It was such a nice change and I know I really needed it, really needed a fresh start I guess you could say.

My motives for moving out may have been a bit skewed though... I was frustrated with things going on in my church, frustrated with life at home, and frustrated with relationships that I knew weren't pleasing to God. So I basically ran from everything (which isn't the best thing to do with your problems). It took numerous trips back and forth to get everything here and to get myself settled. I still have a lot of stuff left at the old house, which I have no idea what I'm going to do with, but I've lived here for about 7 months now. Overall its been a great seven months and God has truly blessed me.

If you've ever heard the song Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks, thats kinda how things went, except my parents didn't drive away because I drove myself. Anyway. We always came here as a family one week every summer as a vacation. It was awesome and the whole family loved it. When it came time for me to pick colleges, I had a few picked out, and the one I'm going to wasn't one of them. My grandpa told me I could live here, so I figured it would save lots of money and took him up on the offer. I needed to experience new things and get out on my own, so that was also a pretty cool opportunity sitting right out in the open for me. I've always loved doing new things and meeting new people, and since I've moved over here, I've done both. I've met so many new people its crazy, and I've done more new things that I never thought I'd do in I don't know how long. Its been an awesome seven months =]

Even though its been awesome, everyone has their ups and downs, right? Well, I almost feel like I ought to be done doing new and spontaneous things. As much as I love them, and although people may not notice, new things scare me to death. I found a home church for Wednesdays, but for Sundays I'm between two churches. Both have amazing worship and the pastors love God and are committed to preaching His Word. However, one is more laid back in teaching, yet straight forward, and the other is more of what you'd expect a Sunday sermon to be. The youth at the first one aren't terribly friendly, only a few have talked to me, but the youth at the second are friendly and I've had at least two or three talk to me every time I've went there. The second also has a Sunday School class for college age students. I kept telling myself I needed to find a new church when I got here that was altogether different from the one I used to go to. Well, I did (the first one mentioned), but it just didn't seem to be what I needed. So, all said and done, I'm most likely going to end up at the second one for the majority of Sunday services.

Upon graduating, I had dreams of moving somewhere, going to college, finding prince charming, getting married,..and having a life. I realized that even though that has happened to some people, it doesn't seem like God's plan for me right now. I got here and was so anxious that my head wasn't one straight and I screwed up. It wasn't that bad, but I had worked myself up, and when I realized what I did I felt like an idiot. I realized how much fun I'm having being able to go out with friends and do just whatever without having to answer to someone. I'm not being wild or anything, but things would be different if I wasn't single. Although, when I do get into a relationship I won't mind not doing some of the stuff. My point is to live and have fun without worrying about it... and I realized that after a while and it made so much sense.

Overall, I love it here... but I almost want to be done with new things in a way. These past 7 months have given me so many new things that are swirling around in my head, that they sometimes make me dizzy. I keep saying enough with new things, and I was thinking about moving out west (frivolous, I know, but it would be cool if I could support myself fully), and how neat of a new experience that would be. Its like I love new experiences, but when they get here I have to step back and look at what I got myself into... haha. One new experience that I'm psyched to see if I get to have, is counseling at Lake Ann. This would be altogether new, but I really feel thats where God wants me.. and I know it would be an absolutely awesome experience. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, I don't know if any of this made sense to anyone, but if it did, I'm glad.. Life is crazy, but it is what it is sometimes. Its fun though =] and I'm excited to see what happens.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Simplicity

Ok, so.

I was just reading someones blog and realized how I needed to write in mine.. I haven't written in way too long. There's been a few times since my last entry that I've said 'I should write today! ....nah,..' so I didn't. But one of the blogs I just read was.. inspiring.. in a way.

I'm sitting in the campus library, read a joke in their blog entry, and tried my hardest to contain my laughter. It wasn't one of those little girly giggles, just a simple and pure laugh of enjoyment and knowing something was absolutely hilarious. Funny thing is, the joke was just random. I love random jokes, but this is one of the best, and I don't know why, but I laughed and shook and tried to breathe until the tears squeezed from my eyes and the guy sitting two seats over came to look at what was wrong with me. He proceeded to read the entry, and when he got to the joke, started laughing  too. So, I know its not just me =] 

Funny aside, it reminded me of how simple things can be. We live in a world where EVERYTHING has been made so stinking confusing and complex that sometimes we don't know up from down. Am I right? Society has forgotten that we're just here to live.. just to live, thats all. God put us here because He wants us here. Ta-da! End of entry. ... just kidding. But really, how often do we walk through a park and see intricate details in flower petals, or have our day made by a 3 year old who came up to us on a 'bad day' and made us laugh? Simple things are what make everyday lives better. Do you smell the rain? Hear the wind? When was the last time you looked at the stars for more than a passing glance, or how about watching for fireflies?? Maybe if we notice these things more we'll have a better appreciation for life... 

Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering what the joke was that provoked this blog entry, so here it is:

Why did the boy fall off the swing???

He was hit by a piano!!!!!!!