Forgiven

Today is an ordinary day. I came home from VBS, saw Caleb, grabbed some lunch and then sat down to finish up some reading for our Bible study tonight. Each week we've been pursuing God through His  Word, and have been reading a book titled the Christian Atheist, by Craig Groeschel, and discussing what we read. The book is different than any Christian writing I have ever read. It contains page after page of examples about how we say we believe in God, but live as if He doesn't exist. Live as if He doesn't exist... that includes thoughts, attitude, actions, lack of trust, and so much more. The chapter that I just finished is titled, "When You Believe in God but Won't Forgive."

You can imagine how I cringed when I saw the chapter heading. In the past eight months two separate men have hurt me. I'm not going to go into detail, but know this: I never would have expected to be hurt by either of these men, let alone the way I was hurt. I crushed, had a broken spirit, and no remaining trust for either of them. The trust will take a very very long time to regain, but I have forgiven them. I forgave one a long time ago, and the other recently. I struggled to find forgiveness. Each time something new happened, it made me hate the individual even more. It didn't help that I had to work with one of them, in a church, of all places. But I do believe that helped the healing process. What was our job? Ministry. We're taught to love our enemies, forgive each other, and pray for those who wrong us, and I desperately tried. I would come home most days in tears to a husband who continually encouraged me, despite his frustration with the same person. So when working with this person in ministry, it was hard. I tried to love him like Christ did, I tried to set aside the hurt, I tried and tried and tried. But I became bitter. In Groeschel's book, he wrote; "Love keeps no record of wrongs, but bitterness keeps detailed accounts," and as hard as I tried for it not to be true of me, it was. I tried to forgive, but it kept happening; I tried to move on, but the wounds kept being reopened; I tried to love him, but he kept hurting. I almost gave up my job. It was then that I finally decided to let God have it all.

The ongoing thoughts that he needed grace from me as much as I need grace from Christ kept me going. Hebrews 12:15 says, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." I had been going about it all wrong. I had been trying to fix it myself, when I should've let God take control all along. In my desperation, I had neglected taking my broken self to the feet of the man who would never hurt me. After I did, things started looking up. No, I didn't trust him, but it was harder to hate him and easier to give him grace. That created a spiral effect upwards, and I started praying for him. I didn't want to, but I knew I needed to. At first the prayers were short and were about the both of us, but gradually shifted to be about him and his growth, life, safety, etc. I was amazed. Not only was it even harder to hate him, but I felt God changing me as well. I didn't want to like him, I didn't want anything to do with him. If he seemed to be walking towards me, I just seemed to casually have something else to do all of a sudden. But, I did forgive him, and it did take a while. God's grace is the only way I was able to though.

Groeschel told his own story of forgiving a man who molested his sister. He recalled being 'torn between wanting to obey God and wanting just as much to continue hating.' But he made the choice to forgive, he made the choice to obey Scripture. How often do we think of it that way? Some say all the time, others may not. We're told to forgive each other, because its the right thing to do. But Christians seem to hold each other to a higher standard. 'They should have known better,' or 'How can they make that mistake and claim to be 'in Christ?'' we may say. But here's the thing; we're human! We're growing, we're not perfect, and yes, we make mistakes. Christ died on the cross for our mistakes, before He even knew us. We're forgiven, and we're called to forgive. Whether we like it or not :)

All that to say, a little more healing was done today. I encourage you to read the Christian Atheist, even if you don't think you need to. There's something in there for everyone, whether it be a laugh, a cry, a profound life-changing realization, etc., it wouldn't do anyone harm to read it. My final thoughts for this post are the final sentences of the chapter on forgiveness;

"We Christian Atheists can rationalize as many excuses as we need to avoid forgiving. We Christians, however, can find in God the sheer strength to battle through the feelings of anger, hatred, and bitterness, and fight our way back to the cross. That's where Christ forgave us. And that's where, by faith, we can find the ability to forgive those who've wronged us."

Hard To Love

I've been procrastinating on writing this post for a long time. I just can't seem to find the right words to say. I know exactly what I want to say, but this is one of those times when I worry about how readers will read this post. Crazy? Not really. I know many people who have felt or feel the same way, and hey, we're only human.

Something I have been struggling with lately is loving in general. Yes, I love my husband, family, God, others, and (yes, I'll say it...) tourists. But sometimes showing it is completely different. I think its safe to say that we all have days when we just feel crummy, grumpy, or non social. In those days I've found it either incredibly hard to show not only kindness and love to people, but also Christ's love, or have just found myself apathetic. I do not want to live and apathetic life at all, but on those days I've found myself feeling worse about how I come across.

Upon feeling all those things, it really makes me think. If, as Christians, we are to reflect the love of Christ, why is it so darn hard? Of course I know the answer; because we're human, and have a sin nature. Becoming more like Christ is a journey, a process of growth that is always happening. I've come to the conclusion that loving is sometimes a very conscious choice; especially if we are choosing to reflect the love of Christ. Why? Because its not always easy..

Here's an example; how a couple treats each other. Those days when we feel crummy (well, any day really) it's a lot easier to snap at your partner than to be calm and patient. But, it can be so hard to take that breath and smile while you're calm and patient. Its engrained in us, the concept of self-gratification, leading us to want what we want, when we want it, and not always care about others in the process of obtaining it. It's hard to love when its includes serving, giving, and putting others first.

All in all, the thing I have found most profound in all my thoughts and days scouring the pages of my Bible, is that loving is a very conscious choice. It's stopping and thinking before acting and speaking that helps volumes. Remembering that we reflect the God of the universe, and the people we are around are made in Christ's image just like we are. They're human, and trying their best just like we are, so we need to give them a break. When we saw them last month in concert, Mike Donehey, lead singer of the band Tenth Avenue North, said something like this;

"Do you really love people? How do you forgive, what's your attitude? When you're around people and they hurt you, and you forgive them, whats your attitude? Friends, your attitude of forgiveness, and love; that is evidence if you have truly been changed by the love of Christ." 

And it still sticks out in my mind. I can tell you exactly where I was sitting, where he was standing, the weather, the crowd, etc.; the details of what was around me, when he spoke those words. It wasn't a guilt trip, it was a challenge to us. Do we really, consciously love? For me, it's sometimes hard, as I'm sure it is for others. But, to be honest with ourselves and our Maker, we want to love like He does. We want to reflect His love to those who may not know Him.

But the question is, will we?

Home and Students

Last Friday my husband and I officially became homeowners =] The house that I posted a picture of (that looks like a big red barn) will be our new home as soon as we get all the fixin-up done that needs doing! Thanks to all who prayed - we are super excited to start this new chapter in our lives and can't wait to see what God has in store for us!

Now on to ministry stuff! Yesterday, we took our youth group to see "The Grace Card" at another church with a few other youth groups. It was a fantastic movie, and even a great learning opportunity. The movie focused on concepts like grace, forgiveness, guilt, blame, relationships, loving others and second chances. We even had a time after the movie to split up in small groups and talk to our students about these concepts, the movie, and how it applies to their lives. The students had fantastic feedback for us, and their answers to our questions were encouraging - they had not only paid attention and grasped some of the concepts from the movie, but they had already thought about how they could apply them to their lives! Pray that they will continue to focus on these topics outside of the church atmosphere and and keep applying them to their lives.