What and Where, God? (My Heart #4)

(written November 15, 2009)


After the other three colleges I wanted to attend didn't work out I moved over here for college and to get away from life as I knew it. I could've stayed there and went to college, but I needed a change, needed to leave town and I really wanted to just start over. So, I did. But some things never change I guess.

My family ended up moving over here too, so I'm still around them. Funny thing is, everyone asks why I didn't just go to the community college back where I used to live, and now that I think about it: I'd still be living with my parents.. who are moving here.. so I would've ended up at west shore anyway. hah.. God sure knows what He's doing. I'm sooo glad.

I have no idea what I'm doing.. no idea where I'm going..

I have no idea where God wants me, and thats really frustrating sometimes. I thought I had things so figured out.. I was going to go to Baptist Bible College, get an education and a job, find prince charming, get married, start a family, blah blah..

...but God had other plans...

So, here I am, in college for early childhood education and childcare, but I don't want to teach. I don't know what I want to do, or what God wants me to. I thought this would get figured out. I knew I wanted to work with kids, so I put that as my intended major, but I really have no clue. Its like God's saying, "this makes you happy, we both know that, but we also both know you're not cut out to be a teacher, so just go with it for now" ....so I'm going with it for now, but I always wonder what God wants me to do.. I've become desensitized to some things in a way so I always wonder if He's told me and I wasn't listening. Thats a scary thought..

I like it here - I really do. Shortly after I moved and saw how much I grew closer to God without some of the previous influences I had back home, I made a few changes, and things started looking up. I got back on track. But now I'm comfortable, and I don't think thats good. Comfort is a state that I know I need to be careful of - its like I get so wrapped up in everything because life is good, that I forget why I'm really here and what I can do to keep God first in my life. I've been working on keeping Him first priority, but sometimes life gets in the way and screws everything up. Of course, God knows this, because He know everything that goes on in my life. But back to comfort - its almost as if we sometimes get to the place where we say, "I love Jesus and my friends love Jesus, so everything's ok, nothing bad here.." really? um, no. We get so comfortable in our own circumstances that we forget why God put us here.. for Him, to impact others.

I don't know what I'm doing here, I'm just here because God put me here, but He did that for a reason. I'm starting to look at colleges again for when I transfer, but something just keeps telling me to take it easy because I won't be moving.. and I'll be staying here. Staying here will be fine by me, but theres also the aspect of finishing school (which I'm sick of.. I just know I need a degree for a decent job) and getting a better job.

Then theres the whole prince charming thing.. thought I found him for a while and I was quite wrong, but, again, God had other plans. I'm really glad for those plans by the way. Things would be so different if they didn't exist. Instead of looking for him, I'm searching for God instead. You know, the whole quote that says something like ' a womans heart ought to be so lost in God's that a man has to seek God's heart to find hers '.. something like that. Its really weird, especially when friends are getting married and having children of their own. I thought I was so ready, then stepped back and thought about it for a while.. hah.. that just freaked me out and reminded me that although I'm an adult, I'm still way young. My mom always told me that I need to 'live' first before I get so wrapped up in life and a family. I always thought 'but I'm living right now..' so, after this whole paragraph, I think my point is that it'll happen when God wants it to happen, and I'm ok with that.

So, life as I know it is so different now. Over here, everyone is so much more laid back. Instead of being super involved in one church, I'm between two right now..trying to decide which one to make home. Trying to decide what God wants me to do, and trying to forget not to live the life He has given me. I have amazing friends over here, and am so thankful for them.

My last thoughts, if any of this note made sense to anyone, would be that God is in control, and will continue to be. He has plans that I have no clue about.. and I need to be patient. I lack patience.. but He is my strength when I don't have any, and I won't forget that.