My Desire

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside -You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday - Then lay it all down before the king

You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside - You want to have virtue and purify your mind

You want to be set free today - Then lay it all down before the king

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real, you want to be empty inside - And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life - It's to do your will - It's to do your will

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

All my life I have seen - Where you've take me - Beyond all I have hoped - And there's more left unseen

There's not much I can do to repay all you've done - So I give my hands to use

This is my desire, this is my return - This is my desire to be used by you

(My Desire - Jeremy Camp) 

So, as I'm sitting here in my bed on a lazy Friday, I think about how many times this week I've listened to this song. A couple friends of mine sang it last Sunday at church, and I really wanted to share it in case some of you haven't heard it. It has an amazing message.. one that I wonder if we sometimes forget, one that I wonder if I sometimes forget. 

The first line is about wanting to be real, empty, and without pride. I know we can't be fully without pride, but how would it impact the world around you if you just layed it down? If you emptied yourself and gave all of you to God? And if you were.. well, ..simply real? I have a hard time with all three. Since starting college, I've learned a lot about being real, and I love it. Before it seemed like sometimes I was just a little puppet; doing what I thought other people wanted me to do, because I was so thirsty for their approval. Well, about mid-October of last year, I stopped caring too much about what other wanted me to do. I started to be the individual that God was preparing for something... I fell completely in love with Him. This was a journey of prayer, devotions, churches, friends, decisions, attitudes, hopes and dreams. Being real isn't the easiest thing, thats why we struggle with it. It's so much easier to go along with other people, dress a certain way, or do certain things to fit in or be like other people. But does God call us to do that? No, of course not! He calls us to be HIS! How exciting is that?! =] I learned that we all screw up, we all have flaws, and 'crap happens', but we press on through it instead of acting like it never happened and everything was ok. Because, in fact, everything isn't always ok. 

Another thing I've been learned a lot about is emptying myself so God has all of me. This has been the hardest so far. Its hard to give God every aspect of my life, and for it to be out of my control. FYI, I like to have everything under control sometimes, and it stresses me out when things are just 'up in the air' as to how they happen. But, again, in the last year and a half, I've become much more laid back. I've learned to give God my cares, troubles, past, future, and right now I'm working on the present.. I've realized that 1. He will provide and 2. no matter what other says, it will work out ok, because however things end up God will help me through them. It's been a fascinating journey so far. I can't control my life. Yes, I can control certain things, but not my whole life. Its crazy to think about. In Tenth Avenue North's song 'Let It Go', they talk about God says: let it go, life is waiting for the ones who lose control, and its true. It can be such a burden to carry our whole lives on our shoulders, but when we give it to God, that burden suddenly gets a whole lot lighter.. almost as if its not even there. 

After learning some of these things, and hearing this song, I stand amazed at God. He knows what I want and what I need, and just nudges me ever so gently and calmly along. Learning to be real and empty is tough stuff, but its been so awesome to see God work in my life. So awesome, in fact, that I've come to have the desire to be fully His, and for Him to use me. 

God, This is my desire - This is my return - This is my desire: to be used by You 

"Go Ahead.."

For the last two months I've been working at the Best Western on the water slide. Its fun; usually. The morning shift is five hours long, and  the evening shift is seven. I work mainly mornings, which is better for me because I have the rest of the day to do things (like sit at a coffee shop and write blog entries..). Anyway, I sit on a chair on the platform on top of the slide and tell visitors when they can go down. If there isn't anyone who wants to use the slide, I do other things like laundry, clean windows, and strip sheets off beds for the house keepers. When there are people on the slide, the extent of my verbal communication is generally two words; "go ahead." While I was sitting there this morning, children were playing down in the pool with their dad, so I had a lot of time to think. This is what I thought: in the past eighteen months, how many times has God told me. "go ahead"..? 

1. My move here. He told me it was ok to uproot myself and move to the other side of the state, not knowing more than one person my age. 

2. When I wondered if it was ok to trust a few certain people, some of whom soon become a few of my best friends. 

3. When I asked Him if it was beneficial to go to a church that I liked, that wasn't a Baptist church, and a bit out of my comfort zone.

4. When I joined a new church that wasn't "organized" and met in someones house. (This was one of the best experiences I've had so far, and where I met some people who helped my world start spinning out of my control, and into God's even more)

5. When I decided to check out a Baptist church in town that a guy had told me about. 

6. When I decided I loved that church, and wanted to stay there.

7. When I prayed about a guy who I had suddenly become very close to, and he asked me to be his girlfriend. 

8. When I was asked to be a youth leader, and go on a mission  trip with that church. 

9. When I asked Him if it was a good idea to quite my job for the one at Best Western, and when I asked if it was ok to quit Best Western for a job at the college I attend. 

I'm sure there are more times, those are just the ones I'm going to write. I included God in my life and was blessed soo much. The past eighteen months I've learned to trust Him SO much more, and I completely love it! My world has turned almost a 180, but I'm not complaining, and I wouldn't go back to what it used to be. I've learned so much, and just love to look back and see what He's done! If you're doubting, I'll tell you this.. when you trust, and include God in your life and decisions, you will be blessed.  

When Your Soul Soars

Ever have that feeling inside where it feels like your soul is flying? Like this incredible feeling of freedom that you can't explain to anyone? What makes you feel that way, or do you ever even experience it?

Listening to Mark Schultz this morning, the song Broken And Beautiful seems to be ringing through my soul. I hear the music start playing, and it registers through my whole inner being. As reaches the chambers of my heart that feel, it lets my soul loose to fly, and I feel free. A deep, inner freedom, that no one can explain.

Except, we can explain it. Throughout the whole song, the title Broken And Beautiful serves a purpose. The song explains how to God, it is so beautiful when we come to Him broken. He loves us, and when we give our lives to Him, we have this blessed freedom that only He gives. I love the thought! He can repair shattered lives, broken hearts, hurtful pasts,... everything, and is waiting for us to come to Him broken. He wants to show us His love.. and wants to put us back together again. He wants us to come to Him. I did. I went to Him with a year of my life that had a lot of hurt, regrets, screw ups, and sorrow... and He made it beautiful. I came running to Him, broken, and He repaired me. He would love to do the same for you... if you'll let Him.

Here are the lyrics and the video.
There’s a businessman - There’s a widowed wife - There’s a smiling face with a shattered life - 
There’s a teenage girl with a choice to make - It’s crowded here in church today

And the preacher says as the sermon ends - Please close your eyes and bow your heads - 
Is there anyone in need of prayer - Jesus wants to meet you here - 
‘cause we all fall short - We all have sinned - But when you let - God’s Grace break in…

(Chorus)
It’s beautiful - Beautiful - Come as you are - Surrender your heart - Broken and beautiful - 

Well he’d never been to church before - But he came today as a last resort - 
His world was crashing in - And he was suffocating in his sin - 

But tears ran down - As hope rushed in - He closed his eyes - Raised his hands - 
Worshiping the God who can - Bring him back to life again - 

(Chorus)

Cause there’s nothing more beautiful to God - Than when his sons and daughters come - Broken

Like Abraham

Last year if you would've told me what my life would be like right now, I would have told you that you were crazy. I had plans, but God had other plans, and I can see them unraveling more and more each day, before my very eyes. 


I have realized that life is so full of color, that if we just stop and look, and smell the flowers, life is more beautiful than we could ever imagine. It is more than what we are going through, more than what we can see, more than what we can feel, and more than we ourselves can handle. But thats why we have God, and I am very thankful to have made that realization. 


When I packed up and moved across state last year, I was hoping to find a life of my own. Without realizing it, I was running from a relationship I was still in. Once here, I saw how much I was growing, and I saw the vibrant beautiful me that God created, that I hadn't seen in a long time. I'd look in the mirror and think, "I remember you..", and thats when I made my decision and broke it off. After that I struggled through a time where I felt depressed and just terrible. I was trying so hard to run to God for everything, to let Him be my everything, and even though it was so hard, it was very rewarding. During that time, I grew tremendously and got a lot of things figured out. I found myself, and wasn't surprised to find that I wasn't as far from God as I had once thought... just scared to go back. I had been fearing God the whole time, ..just not acting on that fear as I should have been. I had been finding comfort in things of this world, when I needed to find comfort in my God. So I set out on a new adventure, just me and Jesus. I didn't know what to expect, I just wanted to love Him with everything. I found a new church, new friends, and a new lifestyle. I'm loving it, to tell you the truth. I feel like I'm completely where He wants me. I became a youth leader at this church, and even went on a mission trip in June. It was very powerful. It made me question some things, and I ran to God for answers. Just like He told me He would in the book of Jeremiah, He answered. It was an awesome trip, and I took a lot from it. 


I went into everything I did blindly, because I have no idea where I'm going, just where I've been. I was counting on God for everything. Just like Abraham, everything I did was 'by faith'. So when I started getting close to this guy at the church, it freaked me out. After my previous relationship, I had prayed that the next guy I dated would be the one I marry. I had a conversation with God, and told Him that as bold a statement as it was, I was done messing around, and I didn't have time to be timid. After the last relationship, I had a serious lack of trust for guys. This one seemed different though. He loved God, loved people, and would do anything he could for you. He had a  servant's heart, gentle hands, and a kind smile. He was honest, hard working, and would listen if you needed to talk. He seemed okay to me.. but I just didn't know. I prayed and prayed, a lot. Then he left for Honduras for eight days. I didn't think much of it, because he loves serving, and loves missions trips. But when I missed texting him, seeing him in town/church, and missed talking to him, I figured something was up. So I went to prayin' again, and talking to God, and just trying to figure it out. I came to the conclusion that it was alright, I didn't have much to worry about and all that stuff. When he came back, we ended up dating. It threw me for a loop, but again, I was going by faith. 


Its pretty crazy. Because today, I wouldn't regret a second of it. When we include God in our life, our thoughts, and our actions, they'll never come up void. He can make something beautiful out of the worst. Last year, if you would've told me this is where I'd be today I really wouldn't have believed you. But when God gets ahold of people, anything can and will happen. A 'by faith' journey is not easy. Hebrews 11 tells us that, and Abraham had so much faith. I want to be like Abraham. I want faith to guide EVERYTHING I do. I want to jump when God says 'jump' and I want to go where He sends me, and I want to do what He wants me to. I've learned that even when our plans seem so great, so right, God has other plans... and HIS plan is what will rule over all. No questions. I tried to avoid God for months, and He brought me right back to Him. He has something great planned for me... and I want the faith to trust Him in that. 

Flying

When I was little I always wished I was older. I remember my parents and other relatives telling me not to wish that, because when I was older I was going to wish I was younger. Seems its a never ending cycle of wanting what I don't have. Its crazy though.. because they were right (Mom if you ever read this, I just said you're right..). I was so eager to get older; to be able to drive and go places, to make my own decisions, to get out of town and see more of the world  than Caro. I've achieved all those things.. and what do I want now? For things to be simple like they used to be. Theres a quote saying something of the sort of; "I wish I was little again; a skinned knee is so much less painful than a broken heart". I'm not saying I have a broken heart, but its the concept. Things were simpler, and I really didn't have much to worry about.
Life seems to fly by. I remember all the birthday parties at my grandparents house, the state archery tournaments every summer, going to where I live now as a vacation every summer, my first day of freshman year, graduation, officially moving out, and everything goes so fast!! I remember the day my sister was born. That was over twelve years ago...  and now she seems like shes fifteen. Theres a country song called; "You're Gonna Miss This", and if you haven't heard it I suggest you youtube it. Its a good song... and so very true. I wanted so badly to get out of Caro, and now I find myself missing it frequently. I was talking to my brother who moved out a few years before I did, and he was telling me how he was eager to get out, but now that he's been out a few years, he would give so many things to live there again. Life was simple. There may not have been much to do around town, but you could always find something to do.
Every minute comes and goes, and can either enrich our lives, do nothing for us, or leave us deprived. I leave for Caro in about three days, and a mission trip to South Dakota in twelve. I miss my family and friends and sometimes even the old life I had in Caro; other days, I don't want much to do with it. But I'm always excited to go back and visit. Caro is a home for me... I'll always know people, and always have a connection to so many places there. Where I am now is a home for me also.. I just don't have as deep of a connection with it as I did with Caro. But thats the thing... I won't ever have that, and I'm ok to know that fact. I tried to make the most of my life.. and now I'm trying even harder to do so. Life flies by.. and before I know it, it'll be Sunday afternoon and I'll be leaving Caro to come back here. And then, it'll be next Saturday and I'll be leaving for South Dakota. And then it'll be the Saturday after that and I'll be leaving South Dakota for here... crazy.
Live, laugh, and love is a famous quote. I have to agree with it. Without those three things, life would be dull. As life flies by and we get older every second, I challenge you to make the most of it. What will you remember twelve years from now..? Twenty? .... and how will you live today? As your life flies by make the most of it!

Alright... well I'm sure we can all see that its quite evident: I fail. haha... Almost every day I'm thinking about something and say to myself 'that would be great to write in my blog about!', but, as you can see... that never ends up actually happening =)   I've been really busy this last month and a half. I'll cut the whole 'I've been meaning to write' crap, and get to the point though.

I use a little booklet type thing called 'Our Daily Bread' for my devotions, and this mornings title was "A "Banana Slug" Lesson". It started out about how sports teams got their names and how sports were usually overemphasized. Then this one school sought a different approach in naming their sports team, one to reflect the worth of sports.... they came up with 'Banana Slugs'. How often do we think of things that way?  I mean, if you think about it, in the grand scheme of things sports aren't really all that important for most people, and should they be? If you're a professional player, granted,  they should be important, but they shouldn't be your life (I can say this, because I love sports). This school chose their team name because they recognized this.

The scripture to go along with the writing was Micah 6:1-8. The 'Banana Slugs' had it right.... sports aren't all that important. What is important is in verse 8. God pleads with Israel and says; "He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?" Matthew 22:37-39 tells us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.. this would be included in walking humbly with him. But I want to take a literal look at the words just, mercy, and humble (according to Webster).
JUST: guided by truth, reason, fairness
MERCY: compassion or kindness shown toward an offender, enemy or other in one's power, pity, benevolence
HUMBLE: not proud or arrogant, courteously respectful, having a feeling of insignificance
If God is all these things, and we strive to be like Him, shouldn't we be practicing these same principles in our lives?

Frustration

Work. Summer. Lake Ann. Church. Results. I guess I'll just go down the list... here we go

My life is a long list of frustrations right now.. and I know that everything will work out how its supposed to, but its so hard to just let it be.

First of all, work. My schedule has gotten messed up multiple weeks in a row. Last Monday I was scheduled to work at night, the same time I was scheduled for a class. I freaked out the day before, and ended up getting to work on time to get ready and start my shift. I got there, and was told that my shift was already covered. I ended up withdrawing from the class (not for work related reasons..) and told the manager that I was now available to work Monday nights. So, I get the schedule last Sunday and when am I scheduled to work? Monday afternoon during my classes. Again, my shift got covered. But thats ten hours I had to drop... which would amount to around eighty dollars.
Second, summer. I've been trying to figure out where God wants me this summer.. and I still don't know. I'm leaning towards staying here, but I have no clue. I've applied at other places to work.. so now comes the other process of waiting.. again. oh joy.
Third, Lake Ann. hoooboy is this a big one right now. I applied early, had my interview early, and got my references in early. Or so I thought. I started emailing the camp sometime in January I think. After a few weeks, I got somewhat of an answer. I was told two of my references were missing, and they liked me, but theres probably no room to counsel, ...so what did I think of handicrafts. Its been about a week again, and I haven't gotten an email. Its almost as if the delay of the emails is God telling me that its just not meant for this summer.
Fourth, church. I recently hopped on board at Cornerstone in town, and am a youth leader there. I love the church, love the people, and love the ministry they have there. So far so good, but if I get the job at Lake Ann, I won't be around the youth group this summer, and will miss out on a whole bunch of stuff that I'd like to be there for. Essentially, it would be bittersweet.
Fifth, results. After all my frustration, I took this test today to see what my spiritual gift was. My highest answer was faith. I just stared at it. I usually don't see myself as someone who would fit that.. because I fall time and time again. But this time, it was talking about how you have faith in God, that He is in control of your life, and it really set me back. I took a look at my life and saw how I'd handled things the past eight months.. and wow, I really do have a great amount of faith. That made me smile. My other two highest scores were teaching and mercy. I'm speechless on those, I really am.
So, all these things to say I'm frustrated. I guess I just want to know whats going on. I trust that God has a plan for this summer, and everything I'm going through, but I'm so eager to know whats going on so I can start planning. I like to plan stuff like this.. and I'm getting impatient. I had my heart set on something and then I figured out that maybe I shouldn't.. maybe it wasn't right for me to be there.
Now that I think about it, one thing I've learned since I moved here is that you don't necessarily always follow your heart.. that can be very dangerous. I already went through some stuff with following my heart.. and it didn't end well. This time I'm not following my heart.. I'm following GOD, and God alone... I'm just waiting to see what He has to say.... and its really hard. I just pray He'll give me the perseverance and faith to do wait.